for the most part, i've stayed on the track i've been on. but i have done some eating that i shouldn't have, and i will get my shit back in gear again. wednesday we had a cookout at work, and i had a burger on a bun, and two chocolate chip cookies. yesterday i had a small bag of Sun chips, had a remnants of a cookie after my work day was done, and had a meatball sandwich on an Italian roll and some fries for dinner.
in the AA big book, in the foreward titled 'The Doctor's Opinion', there is a description of the 'phenomenon of craving' that an alcoholic undergoes when they put alcohol in their system. to quote:
"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks—drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery."
this is also true of addicts of any kind. abstinence is of the utmost importance, is in fact irreplaceable as the only reality through which real recovery can take place. which is why the new recovery modes are so obviously a sham. they don't place the emphasis on having to not use. it's like trying to taper off from a bullet, getting shot 'only so much' as opposed to not getting shot at all. which is going to be more beneficial to one's health?
but for a food addict, the danger is that the world is a shooting range. so, the awareness has to be present, even in surrender. to take on something as i ate, the carbs, the comfort food items, puts me right back into the phenomenon of craving for more, and the insidiousness of it is, it will masquerade itself as hunger, though i am not hungry. so i have to exercise caution and some common sense. the only way these things change. and i have to get back on track NOW, not down the road.
that's why i just ate 2 eggs and 2 sausages for breakfast, and why i'm going to be cautious as to my food intake for the rest of the day. same analogy. if i go two months without getting shot, and i take a break and walk across a shooting range, i could get shot in the head and die. and that walk across will not be worth it, and will invalidate the days that i managed to not take such a foolish action, right?
enough for now, i've got some novel writing to do.
