RELATIVITY

...been a longer minute than i'd thought...

i was listening to John Lennon this morning, 'Nobody Told Me', and the sentiment was on pointe.  i have been living in a bit of a bubble for the past week, but it's time for that bubble to burst.  it's time to get busy.

first, thank you Jehovah, for my sobriety, serenity and sanity.

thank you, VF, for reminding me of my right to be human.

thank you, Sherese, for reminding me to just start, even if it's a small start.

as a human concern, especially a human American concern, we're often taught not to need help, not to need others, to just plow and grind and push and strain even if there are no results.  i am so thankful that there are people in my life who are not the average human 'American' concerns.  thank you for my life.

let's cover a week.

on Monday last, we had our luncheon.  I thought it was nice, others thought it turned out great.  though i initiated the gathering, it was the contribution of each and every person there that made it worthwhile.  lotta food, lotta good fellowship for a non-12 step venue.  it made me happy to be around my fellow drivers and see them sort of harmonious.

that all ended with the 2nd half of the day.  i cannot go into any details about it.  promises made.  but this is my Journey, this is my life, and I havc a right to at least express the pain i am dealing with.  and it is pain, but i am dealing with it, and that is with God's grace and the blessing of people who believe in my character. and, honestly, that is the most important thing to me. 

see, i've grown as a human, and i've grown as a spirit.  i've grown into this spirit that i endeavor to live now.  once, i was not even concerned about my character, seeing myself only as harmful people saw me.  in my recovery, i've learned that i have value and faults, i have strengths and weaknesses.  i have challenges and successes.  i have the ability to bring healing or harm, and i prefer to bring healing.  i am, as a child of God, able to deal with serpents and snakes, but that doesn't mean i'm immune to poison.  i won't die.  but it makes me sick sometimes.  but the sickness is a time of reflection.  how did this sickness come about?  how did i open the door to it?  what should i do differently next time it's knocking?  those are the considerations that make the difference between same ol' same ol' and brand new experiences. 

some may choose to question my character, but i will not.  i do what i can, and i try to be consistent at all times.  and if that isn't enough, then i'm not the teacher in that situation, and that's okay too.  and that's the end of that. 

so, Tuesday, i went to the Cleveland Clinic and saw Dr. B, and got the ball rolling on this Brachytherapy that i'll undergo in September.  i rode down with Lonnie, had a good ride and a good visit. came home and decided to clean off my porch, wipe down furniture and table, sweep and then soap-sweep the porch itself, arrange the furniture properly.  nicer place to grill, nicer place to chill.  Wednesday was when i walked into the stale spiritual air at work, which persisted until the end of the work week. but i separated myself from it, just staying away from the people, while i continued to do the things that are important to me, like making coffee in the morning, getting there early so i'm not late, being as kind as i can and as real as i'm able in any situation. 

also, on Wednesday, my bus malfunctioned.  i got stuck in my first drop-off's driveway for an hour.  my bus ended up in the shop.  i've been driving the Boss' old bus since then as i wait for my bus to be repaired.  but the rest of the week was pretty uneventful.  as i said, i stayed in my own zone, did my job, went through the emotional changes that it took me through and just took it one day at a time. 

this weekend, i cleaned my downstairs good and washed and dried my clothes, bath stuff and etc.  i'm getting ready for a trip to Columbus on Wednesday.  me and Syd and the grandson.  take some time away, see De'Ja and Porsha, some other folks i've not seen in a while, take some love and give some back, reset maybe, rejuvenate, perhaps, but get away from this shit? absolutely. 

i have someone at the meetings signifying about me in a disparaging way.  it's an interesting thing; you know when someone is refering to you, but Carly Simon sort of took away the ability to respond to anonymous sniping with return fire with her song, 'You're So Vain'.  i can't just engage because my name has never been spoken by this person, but there is no doubt that she refers to me.  i've consdered how to respond, the consideration being the response itself, but i've not decided anything just yet.  we'll see how it turns out, if it continues.

i feel good today.  had BK for breakfast, not good, but this is not a breakfast cooking day for me.  i'm going to go to WalMart soon, get some things i need for the house, some things that i need for the meeting.  thinking i may grill tonight, not sure though.  we'll see how i'm feeling after the meeting.  see if i have any peoples visiting today. 

but i again express my gratitude to Jehovah, for allowing me to 'SEE', to respond rather than react, and to prioritize according to my spiritual needs first.  Time to start the day.  Oops, it's started already...

Time Passes (it does that)

well, it's tuesday.  and i'm off work today, so i can go to the Cleveland Clinic to start the real process of treating this thing.  i'm not scared.  i'm not even worried, to be honest.  i kinda wish i'd opened their letter before yesterday so i could have gotten all that i needed gathered together.  but i have my med list and i have my insurance information.  anything else my doctors here can fax or email over.  if that's not good enough, there will be other appointments.

for now, i am going to pick up Lonnie soon and we'll start out.  8am appointment, lawd... all they had, so i took it.  he's got surgery later today, so my afternoon appointment was moved forward. 

i got up with prayer, read my meditations and took my meds.  had coffee, water and a 4 pack of Lorna Doones.  that's it for now.  i'm about to get dressed, get my little bit of stuff together and go get Lonnie to roll out.  i feel a pretty good day ahead.  but we'll see.

yesterday, at work, we had a luncheon that i initiated.  it turned out pretty nice, i have to admit.  a lot of food, a lot of company, laughs and some work and some unexpected smiles.  and there was still the tension and the simmering of the problems that plague us, but i never thought a lunch would just remove that shit.  i felt a lunch would give us a chance to interact that we don't usually get, and it did that.  we had a good day, some good times.  and we may have more. only Jehovah knows for sure.  but we have that, and that will have to be enough for now. 

i have raised my daughter and have seen my son doing his profession and pushing his boundaries.  i've become a better son to my parents, at least by my reckoning, and i've seen my grandson, my namesake, travel one time around the sun on planet Earth.  i have been loved and i have been alone.  i have written my books, my poetry, sang my songs and stood on some stages and accepted the will of an audience.  i feel okay with whatever comes, because the sum of all my yesterdays is a not too bad today. 

thank you, Father, for perspective. 

i'm done, got to roll.

Around The (grand)Sun...

this is the truth. 

this is what it is all about.

from the time he was born, to this day when his varied family celebrates his trip around the sun, my grandson, my daughter's child, has grown. 

he is developing, he is changing.  he is understanding things, and communicating and asking for understanding.  he is growing.  he was barely an armful when he was born.  i remember.  i held him, i fed him as his mother tried to fight the disorientation she was feeling, though the reasons for that escape me now. 

i've watched him grow.  i've watched him gain sentience and awareness, i've watched him become prescient, in his own way. 

the things he sees...the things he has been a witness to, already in his life. 

i can only say that i appreciate him, i love him to the bone and breath within me.  i can say that i am proud of my daughter and of Joe, his father, for bringing this child into the world, though their troubles have not ended as a result. 

i am tired, my leg hurts, i'm using my cane and i'm hungry.  i have chores to finish and more things to do tomorrow. 

but for now, my grandson is celebrating a year of life.  that's enough for the moment.  that is more than enough. 

thank you, Jehovah. 

(what is) Happiness

this truth manifests itself over and over in my life, but i seem to refuse to want to learn it, or perhaps to respond to it is a better way to put it.

last weekend I made a soup for a friend who asked for soup.  they asked for vegetable soup, which is not something that i've made before but never made me think it a difficult task.  the soup turned out very well, and they and others at work seemed to enjoy it. 

at the same time, i've been in the process of organizing, loosely using that term, a luncheon for next week, as a way of just doing things us for us.  it also is not really difficult, but it is involved as a process, just as making a good soup is.  there are elements that go into it, all of them have different properties and preparations, to bring out the most from each one, yet each has to act in harmoney with the others. 

all that fancy talk is avoiding what the thought is. that people like to receive, and they like to follow, but they don't seem to get the ability to DO, to just begin a process and ask others to participate. 

i had to learn this, over years, because of insecurities, because of my addictions, because of my introverted nature.  but when i learned it, i took it to heart, and i try to open these corridors as often as i can.  but it would be nice if people would catch on.  if people would decide that it's good to feel good, and would do more inclusive things to bring a chance for others to feel good in the things that they do.

what has that to do with happiness?

well, i grumble and complain an awful lot, but i had to acknowledge that i enjoyed having time to hang out with my fellow drivers at the last gathering we did, even though it was mostly work related.  and like, when i finally broke through my fears and began going to the sober dances and participating, i like to do the things that make me feel good. they enhance my happiness, they don't MAKE me happy. and that distinction is important, because that means the happiness is already within me.  something that MAKES me happy creates something that isn't there.  and if you can create something that an individual needs, you have a modicum, a varying degree, of control over that person. 

i like making soup, because it is an offering of enhanced happiness, of life, to people that i care about, or at least that i interact with.

i like sharing experience for the same reason.  i like having time with friends and sharing love for the same reason. 

that would mean that, despite my grumblings, i am happy.  i do have happiness within me.  and that's a good realization. 

so i'm working on letting more of that out.  i'm working on allowing myself to be happy on the outside more.  and maybe that will just open the door for someone to come and try to kill it, as it has in the past.  but if it's in me, it's in me. it belongs to me.  and hiding it to keep it safe doesn't really sound a lot like...happiness.  does it?

it's Friday.  i've done what i'm going to do before work.  time to get dressed and get moving.  I thank Jehovah for placing Happiness within me that doesn't depend on other people for its existence, and I'm thankful for that realization at this time. 

so, i'm trying to do a quick entry, which i should have taken more time to do, but my sleep was deep and coming out of it is a journey in itself.  but i have to get this down before it goes, because it has some significance, as i remember the dream i woke from this morning.

it was a cop show type dream, but it involved someone who had raped someone that i know.  no names.  the person had been arrested after the victim had called the police to report the rape, stating that the individual was far more dangerous than the police knew.  i'm fairly sure i was one of the officers, though not as myself. 

as i said, the guy was caught, was not speaking, figuring he would beat the rape charge, and there was definitely something extraordinarily menacing about him.  i continued asking others questions and eventually we looked through his van for clues and i did some real TV style extrapolations that his van wasn't so much for rape, as it was equipped for a child predator.  it was heated independently in the rear, cordoned off from the rest of the van but it was proportionate to one adult, which gave off the impression of someone smaller.  we found there'd been a rash of child disappearances in this individuals sphere of movement and when we accused him, he suddenly wanted a lawyer right then.  that was when i woke up. 

thing is, i knew the people who were the victims in the dream.  so i have to pray for understanding and then be prepared to act when the dream is clarified. 

that's all for now.

Goings On...

six days ago?  about that, i guess.  I'm just tired lately, that's all.  no reason other than that.  nothing huge, no tragedies at the moment.  life stuff, which of course is arbitrary and unthinking.  regardless, it is not without detail, so a summary, to get myself back on track, should suffice.  if not, apologies all around.

to start, it's been a week of level movement.  i continue to pray, to take my meds, to read, to work and to tend to the things that God puts before me to the best of my ability.  I look after my parents, trying to make sure they have meals to eat.  it doesn't really matter if they are counting on me for that, as they should be able to count on me or someone for that.  they are both in their own habitation.  my father's urgent care visits are on the upswing again.  my brother is hurting worse than before. every day.  doesn't sound like he's having any relatively pain-free days, and that sucks. 

work's been okay.  the clients have been good, getting to work safely and home safely. my route will be increasing in July, so more hours, more money.  the house is still just a place to be, but it's home, such as it is.  the writing is moving, the poetry has come back, which is nice, and i'm composing a poetry book alongside the novel that remains unnamed. 

all my friends seem to be going through things, which is not good.  but there is nothing that i can really do except keep them in prayer and in my heart, which i do.  i'm working on getting the eating back in hand, not under 'control', and i just made that distinction, because i am a recovering addict, and 'control' does not exist for me.  surrender, acceptance, faith with appropriate action is how change for the better occurs. 

just finished my shower and shaving, and took my meds for the day.  i'm out of milk, have to stop at the store later.  need to put in an order for some stuff for the meeting, but that's for next week, not today's meeting.  two more days of work after this.  plans for Columbus in the near future.  that's about the size of it all.  i'll talk to you later.

Push against the Push

so, it's Thursday evening.  the shut down is coming soon.  so i want to get these thoughts out before i close the store, so to speak. 

today was a bit rough. i got some kind of respiratory thing going on, got to do with the changing of the weather, cold to hot, having a window open at night and waking freezing.  short sleep don't help much either.  so i got through the day but it was a struggle.  i did my thing this morning, as previously reported.  i got my runs done, and that was cool.  i have things to get done tomorrow, to tend to some people who have either celebrated birthdays or will be, including one client from my bus. 

what did i do today?  well, i talked to my mother, who was distressed because something in the medicine they prescribed for her at the urgent care had a bad effect on her.  she went to her doctor right away, and that's good.  but i can tell things are starting to wear on her more heavily.  i spent time with Syd and the grandson, and we had brunch and he was his usual self, which is cool.  he likes scrambled eggs, and he likes to drink water from a water glass.  he's a lot like his mother was at her age.  to remember such things is a joy and a sadness at the same time. 

i later took Syd to WalMart for some things, and i had her buy me some things that i needed.  not that i didn't have the money; just as a way to have something to say thank you to her for.  and then i came home./  massive debate on grabbing some bullshit for my dinner, but instead i came home. cleaned the stuff out of my care that i'd had in my mom's car.  brought everything in the house.  got clothes into the dryer, washed my winter light coat and my vest and my Kangol, continued to monitor the movement of the fucking mice (use your own imagination) and i got my dinner done.  i've spoken to De'ja. i have coffee ready to brew, both here and at work.  and i am about to take some meds to try to get my ass back to functional tomorrow. 

i have written some tonight, and my dishes are washed.  i'm thankful and expressing that thanks to Jehovah, as i prayed for strength to do more than just eat and sleep, and i received that blessing.  i'm going to go now, and i have counseling tomorrow and a birthday for R.M. on my bus, who remains nameless and loved by his family and me.  Out. 

off the fucking rails, again...

yes, so since i've taken the guesswork out of my silences, it should be easy to guess that i'm not doing what i should be doing by way of my eating right now. that's not why i stopped writing here initially, but it is why i haven't been lately.  but i'm not going to stop fighting to do better.  maybe that's all the good that i'll ever manage, is not to give up completely.  but i'll take that, if that's all there is, and if there's more, i'll find that out too. 

i'm not done.