(what is) Happiness

this truth manifests itself over and over in my life, but i seem to refuse to want to learn it, or perhaps to respond to it is a better way to put it.

last weekend I made a soup for a friend who asked for soup.  they asked for vegetable soup, which is not something that i've made before but never made me think it a difficult task.  the soup turned out very well, and they and others at work seemed to enjoy it. 

at the same time, i've been in the process of organizing, loosely using that term, a luncheon for next week, as a way of just doing things us for us.  it also is not really difficult, but it is involved as a process, just as making a good soup is.  there are elements that go into it, all of them have different properties and preparations, to bring out the most from each one, yet each has to act in harmoney with the others. 

all that fancy talk is avoiding what the thought is. that people like to receive, and they like to follow, but they don't seem to get the ability to DO, to just begin a process and ask others to participate. 

i had to learn this, over years, because of insecurities, because of my addictions, because of my introverted nature.  but when i learned it, i took it to heart, and i try to open these corridors as often as i can.  but it would be nice if people would catch on.  if people would decide that it's good to feel good, and would do more inclusive things to bring a chance for others to feel good in the things that they do.

what has that to do with happiness?

well, i grumble and complain an awful lot, but i had to acknowledge that i enjoyed having time to hang out with my fellow drivers at the last gathering we did, even though it was mostly work related.  and like, when i finally broke through my fears and began going to the sober dances and participating, i like to do the things that make me feel good. they enhance my happiness, they don't MAKE me happy. and that distinction is important, because that means the happiness is already within me.  something that MAKES me happy creates something that isn't there.  and if you can create something that an individual needs, you have a modicum, a varying degree, of control over that person. 

i like making soup, because it is an offering of enhanced happiness, of life, to people that i care about, or at least that i interact with.

i like sharing experience for the same reason.  i like having time with friends and sharing love for the same reason. 

that would mean that, despite my grumblings, i am happy.  i do have happiness within me.  and that's a good realization. 

so i'm working on letting more of that out.  i'm working on allowing myself to be happy on the outside more.  and maybe that will just open the door for someone to come and try to kill it, as it has in the past.  but if it's in me, it's in me. it belongs to me.  and hiding it to keep it safe doesn't really sound a lot like...happiness.  does it?

it's Friday.  i've done what i'm going to do before work.  time to get dressed and get moving.  I thank Jehovah for placing Happiness within me that doesn't depend on other people for its existence, and I'm thankful for that realization at this time.