Eating Stress

started with 2 sausage egg and cheese biscuits, made in my kitchen, with a glass of milk.  could have eaten one and been happy, to be honest.

lunch was chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, soup and salad.  decent enough.  dinner was a chicken philly sandwich and some of my stuffed pepper soup.  had a donut for dessert.  simple entree today.  i'm done, cause i'm nodding and laying on letters. 

why the neglect?

because. 

because i know i haven't been doing right.

because i know that i've been allowing my dis-ease, my obsessive/compulsive behavior to determine my intake of food.

because i've been ashamed of my eating, and the TOTI (from early in the Journey) thinks that if nothing is written, nothing is known.  nevermind the fatness i see in my face, the loss of a neck, the ill-fitting clothes again.  nevermind the shortness of breath, the legs hurting and the upward tick of the blood glucose.  and for certain, nevermind that any of these things indicate a slow march toward worse sickness or very inappropriate death. 

i make me sick, i go voluntarily,  and i allow my depression to drive the vehicle.

these are my honest confessions.  i have to be true, because if i'm not, power remains with the dysfunction. 

for the past two days, i've been eating more conscientiously. i intend to continue along this line, as i don't want to just roll over and die. 

so yesterday, for example, as today i believe, i skipped the breakfast of 415 am.  i did get a breakfast sandwich from TB, but only one, and a hash brown.  but the fast food has to go and stay gone.  for lunch, i had two roll ups of ham and colby cheese, a quarter cup of potato salad and some apple sauce.  for dinner i had pasta with garlic, spinach, tomatoes, green peppers, onion and mushrooms, with parmesan cheese, and two chicken strips.  i had donuts, but i'm okay with that. 

physical effort must follow.  i've felt the need for it, but not the urge.  i still don't feel the urge, but the need will have to do. 

i'm not going to keep hiding from this page, either.  good, bad or indifferent, this is a place for honesty.  no one's judgment is more profound than my own, and Jehovah does not judge me for this; he gives me a conscience, and i judge myself.  that's how it's always been.

we will do better. 

getting there slowly

yeah, i've been negligent, here and in myself.  but i'm coming out of this depression, and the awareness is increasing, and the actions are beginning to follow suit.  today for breakfast i had a breakfast burrito, two eggs, 3 sausage links, chopped onion, green pepper and jalapenos, diced tomatoes and pepper jack cheese on a tortilla, with a cup of milk.  for lunch, two beefy Frito burritos from TB, i know, fast food, but i had nothing else available.  dinner, i'm making a pizza and having some soup with it.  possibly turkey pepperoni/sausage and cheese pizza, maybe some shrooms on it.  we'll see.  have two peanut butter cookies for dessert.  have to get up and exercise tomorrow though, nothing changes until that does.  that's enough for the moment.

back to the grind

well, i skipped breakfast today, don't know why.  just felt sluggish this morning and needed to move as efficiently as possible.  lunch was a burger and applesauce.  dinner was sausage, dressing  and cabbage.  in the course of the day i had way too much junk; chips, a hostess cupcake, a milk-shake.  mostly for purposes of anesthetizing myself, but more on that at the Journey.  now i'm on my way to sleep, to get tomorrow started.

Sunday, August 19, 2018

well, it was a good enough day i guess.  breakfast was a mess, literally.  peppers, onions, jalapenos, spinach, a slice of meat loaf, cheddar cheese, all folded into 2 eggs, with cheese grits on the side.  yum-ski.

dinner was fried chicken, dressing with cranberry sauce and cabbage, a brownie for dessert.  not bad on a sunday afternoon.  now i've stuffed other shit in my face that i shouldn't have, but i also was conscious and aware, and pushed myself away before the urge to just go crazy took over.  made a new soup, but more on that later.  time to close up shop and get ready for whatever the new day brings. 

Change Starts this Weekend

so, the damage of the depression:  387lbs.  as of yesterday.  not as bad as it could be, but bad enough.  it's time to take responsibility, time to put myself back in the stream of good change.  can't just let this thing kill me. 

yesterday's meals: 
breakfast - bacon and egg sandwich on whole wheat toast, with pepperjack cheese

lunch - roast beef and turkey sub, like five inch, with a cupcake for dessert

dinner - chili and cornbread and five bbq wingdings

had some cookies at work. 

again, is it as bad as i've eaten in the past?  no.  but the inactivity is killing me, and eating junk and laying down is a classic no-no.  so, tomorrow we shop, we start working out again, even if it's just walking.  SOMETHING.  and we start changing again, because we are a part of a constantly changing universe. 

the Journey

Monday blowout

gonna be kind of hard to account for yesterday, but it is necessary to try, so that i can get back on track.  cloud is lifting, i have to be ready to roll.

so breakfast was a bowl of cereal and a peach.  not bad.

lunch...lunch was two double burgers, some potato salad and green beans.  it was two cookies and a few chips.  lot of water, couple cans of diet soda.  company picnic.  now, i could have gone hog wild, but this is as close as i get anymore.

dinner was leftovers; wings, catfish, baked beans and green beans from the picnic.

ice cream for dessert. 

one double burger would have been enough, though.  keep that in mind.

that was August 13, 2018

Pot Luck Sunday

well, the day is about done.  not a great eating day, but not a horrible one either.

breakfast:  omelet with spinach, peppers and onions and chopped meatloaf, grits and toast

lunch (potluck): pizza, wings, cookies, chips (zoikes!!!!)

dinner:  catfish sandwich topped with cheddar, tomato, spinach and hot banana peppers, home made fries. 

apple for dessert. 

done with the day, time for tomorrow, God willing and the creek don't rise like the Southern Park Mall parking lot.

The Journey

The Days I Can Recall...

It's now 4 days after my last entry. I have been an emotional mess, I'm sure my eating is indicative of that. But not as bad as it could be though. I'm tired of that being the qualifier though.

Like Thursday. I had cereal for breakfast, a catfish sandwich for lunch, and a chicken parm sandwich for dinner. Couldn't tell you now why I got sandwiches for lunch and dinner. Yesterday, I had a peach and some cantaloupe for breakfast, not even coffee. Chinese for lunch, cubed steak and rice for dunner. Ice cream, Little Debbies, been barely restrained.

Today I had a cubed steak with rice and eggs for breakfast, one piece of toast. Don't know anything else just uet. But I'm paying attention. No choice.

August 7th, 2018

where did the summer go?  hell, where did half the year go? 

sometimes it's hard to believe how fast this shit moves after you get to a certain age.  like, time is for the youth in you, and when he moves away, there's just the residue of what used to be eternity.  or something equally as depressing.

anyway, for breakfast today, i had a bowl of cereal.  period.

for lunch, a southwest chipotle steak wrap from Subway.

for dinner, chili and rice and a wedge of cornbread.  good eatin'.

had pie and ice cream for dessert.  i'm done, full and fair to middlin, but more on that on the Journey.  later. 

weekend to today

well, i was out of town this past weekend, and didn't do as bad as i thought i would.  Friday was likely the worst, and that was chicken from Popeyes and sides (already logged).

Saturday was some kind of paper-thin pork loin folded over eggs, cheese and home fries with thick, gloppy sausage gravy at TeeJay's.  lunch was nothing, chips i think.  dinner was beer-batter fried haddock, cole slaw and fries (which i ate but a few of) and some melon, grapes and pineapple with whipped cream for dessert. 

Sunday was a BK sandwich and hash browns for breakfast, beef brisket and mac and cheese for lunch and a burger and fries for dinner on the road. 

today, Monday, i had toast with peanut butter for breakfast, lunch was six wings and a pastelillo from Papa's, and dinner was an omelet and toast.  probably going to have pie for dessert.  that's it for now. 

August 3, 2018

This is for Friday. For breakfast I had an Elegant Mess, eggs scrambled with veggies, onions, peppers, chicken and pepper jack cheese, with home fries and toast. Lunch was 2 slices of veggie pizza and a salad. Dinner was chicken, green beans, mashed potatoes and a biscuit from Popeye's.

August 2, 2018

don't believe i posted this yesterday, that was my dinner, with a salad, on Wednesday.

today's menu was:
the other half of this pizza and a peach for breakfast; a chipotle chicken wrap with veggies and cheese on a spinach wrap for lunch and a burger and soup for dinner.  i'm planning on ice cream for dessert.  sorry i missed yesterday, but i was groggy and sleeping early.