because i know i haven't been doing right.
because i know that i've been allowing my dis-ease, my obsessive/compulsive behavior to determine my intake of food.
because i've been ashamed of my eating, and the TOTI (from early in the Journey) thinks that if nothing is written, nothing is known. nevermind the fatness i see in my face, the loss of a neck, the ill-fitting clothes again. nevermind the shortness of breath, the legs hurting and the upward tick of the blood glucose. and for certain, nevermind that any of these things indicate a slow march toward worse sickness or very inappropriate death.
i make me sick, i go voluntarily, and i allow my depression to drive the vehicle.
these are my honest confessions. i have to be true, because if i'm not, power remains with the dysfunction.
for the past two days, i've been eating more conscientiously. i intend to continue along this line, as i don't want to just roll over and die.
so yesterday, for example, as today i believe, i skipped the breakfast of 415 am. i did get a breakfast sandwich from TB, but only one, and a hash brown. but the fast food has to go and stay gone. for lunch, i had two roll ups of ham and colby cheese, a quarter cup of potato salad and some apple sauce. for dinner i had pasta with garlic, spinach, tomatoes, green peppers, onion and mushrooms, with parmesan cheese, and two chicken strips. i had donuts, but i'm okay with that.
physical effort must follow. i've felt the need for it, but not the urge. i still don't feel the urge, but the need will have to do.
i'm not going to keep hiding from this page, either. good, bad or indifferent, this is a place for honesty. no one's judgment is more profound than my own, and Jehovah does not judge me for this; he gives me a conscience, and i judge myself. that's how it's always been.
we will do better.
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