gluttony vs love

what do you do?
when you feel the world is getting too big for you, what do you do?  what do YOU do?
i've been in a funk of the totally non-funky kind for months now.  slowly gaining what i had worked to get rid of.  so easy to get back on the wrong track, back into the wrong habits.  so hard to get back to the right path.
but see, i got to do it.
i eat because i am not loving myself the way i should.  i also eat because i'm loving myself the way i should.  it's the rough part about having a compulsive/obsessive eating disorder.  you eat, either way.
the thing is, discipline.  can you put the three meals in, in the way you're supposed to, and not give in to the desire to anesthetize?
i have done it before.  i CAN do it.
the trick, of course, is to do it for a day.
And BE ACCOUNTABLE.
without accountability, it won't last.
today, i had no real breakfast.  an inch square of lasagna as i put the rest in the freezer and cut a piece for Da Boss to take to her at work tomorrow.
before the meeting, i ate a piece of whole wheat bread with peanut butter on it.  i'm generous with peanut butter.  i had about a half cup of corn chips also.
i had dinner, which was a burger on whole wheat, with tomatoes, spinach, onions, cheddar, bacon and mayo.  i had salad and green beans with it.
dessert was a slice of someone's anniversary cake, and the last of my dulce de leche ice cream.  all gone, bye-bye.
no more ice cream purchases.  no more desserts, sugar-free or otherwise.
not for the next 2 months, anyway.
going to start learning how to do whole grain stuff for real, legumes and roots and shit.  going to start working on me, working on the last part of my life being significantly different than the first.  it can be done.
it will be done.
if i love myself.
i need to be accountable.  i need to be held accountable.
and i need to thank my God for bringing me back to this point.

Ditto

this and the Journey aren't the only things that have faded from my immediate radar, but it's not cool to skip so much and i am going to try to get better with it. 

on Monday, September 24th, i had two ham and egg biscuit sandwiches for breakfast. made them myself in my kitchen.  for lunch, i had rice and beans and roasted pork, very good stuff, from Papa's.  for dinner, i had a cheeseburger and green beans.  had pie and ice cream for dessert.  i think i'm skipping breakfast today, not feeling it particularly.  i also think i'm going to get stuff to make some chili, as it is getting cooler in weather and chili's good for a couple days at least.  time to get ready for work. 

Skipping Breakfast

i admit, it's likely not the smartest thing to do.  but i'm not really feeling waking up and eating right now.  so, i'm down to two meals a day.  don't feel like i'm restricting; just feel like i like to grow into a hunger, i guess.

anyway, lunch yesterday was a burger on 12 grain bread, with blue cheese and cheddar, tomatoes and spinach, and a spinach salad.  dinner was a chicken philly wrap from the food cart, and i ate half the fries.  had ice cream for dessert. 

Updating

it has been a bit, yes.  but i know i can only pick up where i fell into neglect, i can't go back and fill in time-wise.

yesterday i had eggs (2), bacon (3 strips) and a piece of whole wheat toast for breakfast, cup of milk.  for lunch, menu-wise a beefy Frito burrito and a spicy tostada from the Bell.  dinner was a cup of cereal. 

i have not been doing much breakfast lately, have sought to reduce the fast food intake again and am trying to remain aware of my food intake as well as my hunger levels.  time for change, just like summer to autumn.  time to go, also. 

How Do I Feel?

it's hard to get a picture of fog on a highway in a moving vehicle, but that's the picture.  and that's how i feel right now.  i feel as if i'm driving into a familiar place where everything is obscured due to the cloud that's come down, or up as the case may be.  and while i'm relatively sure i'll get where i'm trying to go, i'm not as certain that the road exists past the edge of how far i can see into the cloud.  does that make sense?  i don't care, it's accurate at the moment.

today was not terrible.  prayer and meditation, breakfast and insulin and pills, and rolled out to work.  easy morning, not a bad afternoon either, just one missed turn on the return from something i hadn't yet done as the driver on this particular route.

the office was the usual mess, with misinformation, missed communication opportunities and the grumbling and backbiting doing their usual termite routine on whatever foundation might be constructing itself.  does that mean i'm feeling like a part of things there these days?  sad to say, but maybe so.

i didn't go to my parent's house today, i went to the store, got some needed things and came home.  went to lunch with Lonnie.  told him about the diagnosis.  talked for a bit before i went back to work.  i'm still worried.  but i'm not afraid.  that's a good distinction to be able to make. 

to my knowledge, i've never been in an absolute fog.  like above, i can usually see the lines on the road, the tail lights ahead of me, indicating someone has been where i'm going, so it's possible to transverse this phenomenon.  and, there is always the sure knowledge, at least in these environs, that the sun will dissipate the obscurity soon enough.  i am grateful for a full day, and i will do my best should tomorrow come.  thank you, Father. 

REsults

early Thursday morning.  i missed yesterday.  exhaustion getting off work, and then the results of my biopsy from my urologist.  but, let's catch up first.  won't take long.

the past 2 days were not bad at all.  i've had some opportunities to do some things that made me feel pretty good.  i've tried to be a comfort to some, and tried to teach things to some stubborn people in other situations, things that would possibly benefit them from old ways of thinking.  no conjecture, no opinion, just sharing experiences.  i've gone to my meeting yesterday and saw my mother, made her a breakfast sandwich, saw the growing change in her and my father's living situation.  they have no cheese in their house, but they have a pregnant niece living with them.  i've worked, am getting more adjusted to my route, getting it more memorized.  i've gotten my turn-by-turn paperwork almost finished, just have to tweak a couple more details.  i've been feeling okay, tired mostly.  nothing new about that, eh?  been eating, way too much bread yesterday as i resorted to fast food because i was on the move, but still doing better.  need to get back to exercising.  i've been praying, i enjoy praying before meals again, haven't been able to say that since childhood.  the work week is almost over, and i will rest should the weekend be mine to do with what i want to. 

but the biopsy revealed some small cancer spots. 

and i am in a conflicted mind behind that.  but i'm working toward patience and acceptance of whatever God wills in this for me.  there is nothing else to do. 
it's funny.  i'm working good and things are almost manageable in my life.  i have diabetes, high blood pressure and a lifelong depression.  as i type, i think about the numbness that is a constant in my fingertips now.  neuropathy, set in and deepening.  i'm overweight, lifelong battle, and i am alone in my world.  i don't know what other things i deal with, but in a purely human sense, i'd think that was enough on a human plate, at least an American one, eh?  but life doesn't work that way.  life on life's terms is, you get what's at the buffet, and you don't get to fix your own plate, you just have to eat. 

i'm not going to panic, i'm not going to get dramatic.  i have to see this through.  i have turned as much over to my God as i can, and i'll continue to do so as i'm able.  i anticipate bad days ahead, but i have good days ahead too.  life, on life's terms. 

work lies ahead today.  i'm going to go to the grocery store between runs, get some needed things, get home to put things away and rest, and then finish the day.  i'm thankful to Jehovah, i have everything i need, and some things i want, and some things i don't want but that comes with the things i want.  i am blessed, and i know that i am. 

Nevermind

sorry, but i got to get on with this.

on Monday, 9/10/18
breakfast: open faced sausage egg and cheese on toast
lunch: 2 frito burritos from TB
dinner: a cheeseburger at home with sauteed spinach and a spinach, tomato, onion and blue cheese salad.
ice cream for dessert