Before I go...

today was an okay eating day, though i feel bloated for some reason.  think i'm still not being 100 percent honest in my observations, but i'm doing what i can.

breakfast was a 2 egg omelet with spinach, peppers, onions and cheese, and two breakfast turkey sausage links

lunch was a beef shawarma and a Lebanon salad, which was the most unusual thing i've eating in quite some time

dinner was 2 fish tacos with a slaw topping of cabbage, jalapeno and onion, and the last of my potato salad. 

that's the word today.

Monday's menu

2/26/2018

Breakfast:  oatmeal and a banana, cup of milk

Lunch: Hamburger on wheat bread

Dinner: Western BBQ, spinach and potato salad

last of the apple turnover for dessert

Rest on a Sunday

dinner's not done, or i'd post a picture of it, not that anyone cares.

but my first meal would be brunch i guess, where i had chicken salad and some crackers.  my lunch today was two fish tacos from LJS, and my dinner is going to be country barbecue, sauteed spinach with onions, green and jalapeno peppers and mushrooms, and potato salad.  apple turnover for dessert, sugar-free.  i think that'll do for the day.  i'm blessed with needed things, and a thing or two that i want.  what more can i ask for?

The Journey

Oh, okay. Here'she the picture. Lawd...

Sick Eating...

breakfast today was bacon, eggs and grits, lunch was two burritos from the Bell, dinner was a grilled cheese sandwich and soup, the last of my soup.  i had chicken salad on crackers as well, and some apple slices. 

i'm hungry for something, i don't know what it is.  my body is trying to get something inside of it, but i don't know what it is.  i have to watch this, it could get out of hand. 

2/23/18

passed out again, didn't log the food or anything else.  but i'm staying up on it as best as i can.

breakfast yesterday was a Mess, consisting of turkey sausage, red onion, eggs, a small baked potato and cheese. 

lunch was six garlic parm wings and a beef and cheese pastallilo from Papa's.

Dinner was chicken salad with apple, blueberries, cranberries, cherries and strawberries on crackers and more soup.  good stuff. 

nothing complicated, and i was full and happy with my meals.  more later. 

Better Day, except for Not Blogging

well, it was a long day and i got home late, and i am medicated.  only excuses. 

Breakfast was turkey sausage and eggs, lunch was a sausage quesidilla and jalapeno bites, dinner was 2 salmon croquettes, turkey cabbage soup and the last of my leftover cabbage.  half a muffin for dessert.  that is all. 

WIP

...stands for Work In Progress.  that's what I am, that's what I'm doing right now.  about to shut it down but i feel pretty good, having finished a very complete edit of a video for EVERYTIME THE PHONE RINGS.  i'm happy with it, but i'm afraid to post it at the moment.  i'll get there, never you mind. 

ANYway...

breakfast today:  a salmon croquette, two eggs and a biscuit

lunch:  a gyro and an italian salad, very good, from Ghossains

Dinner:  homemade soup and meat loaf.

dessert:  half a cranberry orange muffin.

i'm going to shut it down shortly, but i feel better than i have all day and am extremely grateful for the truth of that statement right now

HOME, goddammit...

I shall because i said i would. 

yesterday, about 3 in the a.m., i had a bowl of oatmeal and an orange. 
about 8a.m., i had an omelet, rye toast, some hash browns and coffee at the waffle house
when i got home, i made two steak fajitas with the last of my steak from last week, and had a can of soup with them.
for dinner i had meat loaf and pasta.

so i was all over the damn place on Monday.

Today.
Breakfast: bacon, eggs and a biscuit
Snack: one slice meat loaf and grapes
Lunch: Mexican pizza, mini chicken quesidilla (the Bell)
Dinner: salmon croquettes, sauteed cabbage and a baked potato.
Dessert: vanilla sugar free pudding.

Extended Family, day 3

Breakfast: a burger from yesterday and an orange.
Lunch: fish, baked potato, salad
Snack: 2 eggs rolls
Dinner: chicken, mashed potatoes and green beans

Saturday, Day 2

Breakfast: eggs, sausage and rye toast

Lunch: roast beef, creamed chicken soup, onion rings, corn and jello.

Dinner: burger on a bunch with sautéed peppers, onions and mushrooms and salad.

Columbus, Day 1

Just a plain log for the next 4 days.
Breakfast was oatmeal with dried berries. Lunch was 6 garlic parm wings and a beef and cheese pastillilos. Dinner was fish, steamed broccoli and potato salad. I had a small brownie a few minutes ago, and pork rinds on the drive up.

Doom Cookies 2

yes, i love the chocolate chip cookie.  it is a wonder of man, one of the things that should be mentioned when one is asked what separates man from animal.  but the cookie does not love me.  the cookie does not love anyone.  the cookie only loves itself.  and so i am glad the cookies are gone.  two yesterday, two today.  i am happy that they are gone and that i am no longer plagued by their existence.  but there will be other temptations.  i have to turn it over and let it go.

breakfast today:  grits with cheese and two over easy eggs on top of them
lunch: chicken salad, baked fish (both from Giant Eagle) and an apple.
dinner today: meat loaf, asparagus and pasta with garlic parmesan on top of it.

and, two chocolate cookies. 

the cookies of DOOM...

not that bad, but they were evilly presented, and the timing was perfect, i have to say.  short story is, after about two weeks of being worn down by an increasing array of snacks, someone today found my Achilles' heel, chocolate chip cookies.  i knew i wasn't going to resist them. so...
breakfast: oatmeal with dried fruit, leftover pork chop
lunch: spicy beef mini quesidilla, shredded chicken burrito.
dinner: nearly perfect meat loaf, sauteed spinach with red peppers, onions and mushroom and a cup of rice
dessert:  two evil chocolate chip cookies.  yum...

The Journey. 

Discipline?

today i walked away from some things and i'm thankful that i could.  i received a box of chocolates that remains unopened and a plate of cookies that i left on the table at work for my coworkers.  i could have eaten one, but i have to stop pinching at the corners of being responsible, and start living in it completely again.  because nothing ever hurt me that didn't get close enough in its own way to do so.  and if i open the door to this, it's my fault or my responsibility, and i'm working on choosing responsiveness now. 

Breakfast: sandwich, wheat toast with sausage patty, egg and cheese
Lunch: chicken-lamb salad
Dinner: steak, baked potato and broccoli cauliflower. 
Snack:  half an apple and peanut butter crackers.

good night.

better...

just a log today, i'm afraid.

Breakfast:  two egg omelet, with cheese and potatoes, and bacon on the side
Lunch:  a chicken biscuit sandwich from chick fil a, and 4 garlic romano wings
Dinner:  garlic romano wings, rice and cauliflower with cheddar.

i'm tired, so i've got to Journey before i'm all out of energy.  Ciao.

Taco 'bout it...

just a little pun. 

at the meeting today, i took tacos from the Bell.  two other people brought donuts, and there was a crock pot of green beans, potatoes and kielbassa.  i resisted the donuts, but had to sacrifice four tacos to achieve that.  it was a close victory, but i'll take it.  that was lunch, by the way.

breakfast was a sausage patty, two eggs scrambled with cheese and toast.

dinner was a pork chop, sauteed asparagus with red onion and mushrooms, and smashed potatoes. 

having an apple turnover for dessert made with Splenda.  home made.  i want something sweet. 

that's it.  done logging for now. 

Exercise, and Exercise Caution

i have to say, for me as a food addict, the most dangerous thing is unobserved emotions.  i eat because i feel certain ways, and i try not to pay attention to those ways because then i'll make myself more of whatever it is i'm feeling than i already am.  this is the truth. 
yesterday i wanted some company.  i had asked my brother by the day before, but that didn't happen, and i asked Lonnie by yesterday and that didn't happen.  i didn't think for certain either would, but i've been feeling this winter, this dark, this loneliness, this isolation.  i have been more tolerant of people who show little character because, in the void, they are at least people, but they are only around for a brief span as well.  so, making a pot of white chili, some honey-jalapeno cornbread, having some conversation, that would have been a salve.  but it wasn't to be. 

so i didn't go hog wild.  no off-the-chain orgy of pizza and potato chips.  but i was out of sync emotionally, and my intake was off because of it.  and if i don't write that down and acknowledge that truth, i remain susceptible in the dark. 

breakfast yesterday was a frittata and multigrain toast.  the frittata consisted of eggs, sausage, onion, peppers, potato and jalapeno pepper.

lunch was white chili, remastered, and the cornbread

dinner was the other half of the pictured frittata.

i had 3/4 of an apple for a snack, and i had some peanut butter crackers also

i also had two teaspoons of a hot chocolate mix in my noon cup of coffee. 

those were my indulgences.  but they were there, and they were anesthetic, to take the edge off the aloneness for a brief period. 

that is my admission and confession.  it ain't an evil brownie, but it is a compromised emotional state.  and i thank Jehovah for the truth. 

Nice Day for a White Chili...

crock pot white chili and honey-jalapeno corn bread, dinner on 2/9/18.  the chili could have been better seasoned, the corn bread needed more baking time. 

breakfast was two strips of bacon, two eggs and toast.

lunch was a gyro.

dessert was chocolate sugar-free pudding. 

i was fed, ate far more responsibly, and am grateful. 

Prayers for Self-Discipline restoration...

well.  i have to say, i am struggling a bit here. i don't mind the admission.  today i'm starting at the Dining Room because i have to address what has been, for decades now, an issue that i need help with.

so, at work today, a woman brought in a tray of brownies.  specifically, peanut butter swirled brownies with chocolate chips.  it may as well have been a bag of vagina flavored crack.  i left immediately, as they came in on the early run and i was able to just go to my bus.  i figured they'd be gone by the time we finished, but nooooo...there they were, half a tray.  and i did not resist any further.

now, mind you, i had one, and i took it with me, and i went to my parents and i chilled and talked to my parents and checked on them.  i went to TB and had a cheap lunch, and as i sat in my car, looking at this napkin swaddled brownie, i decided fuck it, and i ate it.  and it was Goooooood.  can't lie. but the guilties are upon me, no shit. 

i've been making discernible progress.  i don't want to self-sabotage.  i want to get healthy, get my life on track, live what's left on better terms than what i've lived up til now.  so i need prayers and i need some straight forward help.  i'm asking, because it's the only way i know if any real help will be available to me. 

anyway, that's where i'm at.

Breakfast was a bowl of oatmeal, good start. 
Lunch was a shredded chicken burrito and a spicy tostada, which i love the latter though it's vegetarian.
Dinner was a spinach salad, with onion, peppers, dried cherries and cranberries and blueberries, with feta and apple slices and four quarters of a sliced boiled egg and caeser's salad dressing.

and, of course, the Brownie. 

i will do better tomorrow.

Off-Day

Nice to sleep in on a Wednesday, to not rush thru a meeting. Nice to be home.

Breakfast: 3 strips bacon (skimpy), 2 eggs and multi-grain toast.

Lunch: 4 meatballs and wedding soup

Dinner: crock pot chicken, mashed potatoes and broccoli cauliflower leftover from yesterday

a good day, a restless night...

don't know why i'm just up right now.  work is cancelled for today, but sleep is still necessary.  oh, well. 

log for 2/6/18

no breakfast, but around 11am i ate chicken salad at my parent's house.  cup and a half, i think

lunch was a lamb/gyro salad, gyro meat, lettuce, tomatoes, tzatziki sauce, cucumbers, olives, cheese. 

dinner was a western rib (leftover), with a bowl of turkey spinach soup and broccoli and cauliflower medley with cheddar cheese. 

good stuff, all the way around.

Respect for this Aspect of my Dis-Ease

not a bad day, not a great one, but i'm digging it, and i love western ribs.  just cuts of pork, not hard to cook, easy to season and eat.  that's what's for dinner tonight.

Breakfast: oatmeal with honey, two eggs over easy.

Lunch: six wings, a pastelillo (good stuff)

Dinner: Western ribs, a baked sweet potato and greens

Sugar free cherry pie for dessert. 

i am powerless over food, so i have to respect its ability to completely fuck up my life if i choose to use it with impunity.  thank you, Father, for keeping me mindful of that. 

the Sandwich

change.  it comes and you know when it does, because things just don't mean the same thing they used to.  you can't get your head around them in the way that was so effortless before the change, and the best part about real change is, you know it when it hits you.  at least, that's me.

the Super Sandwich.  i had a pack of steak from my mom that i had to cook, and loaves of bread that i acquired and was getting rid of.  i made this monstrosity to share with Lonnie, a thank you of sorts for all his support though the rough month.  but he didn't make it.  so i had a quarter of it on Saturday, with cauliflower/broccoli/cheddar soup, and i had a quarter of it yesterday for lunch.  and i took the remaining half of it to the meeting and gave it to Marc. 

not long ago, that would have been a 'half at dinner, half at breakfast' at the very best.  but eating a loaf of bread at a sitting is just not what i want to do these days.  and that's good.  but it's not the best.  the best is to stop playing with this damn fire before i burn the house down.

yesterday's food log:

breakfast - 3 egg steak omelet, toast

lunch - quarter of above steak sandwich, turkey-spinach soup

brunch - large cup of broccoli/cauliflower cheddar soup

dinner - chicken breast and some nachos with meat, no cheese.

that is the log of the 4th of February.  on to the day of the 5th.

sorrysorrysorry...

i've really got to stop doing this. 

it may be a subconscious sabotage, and i say it here because then it won't be subconscious anymore.

it may be really just not paying much attention, but i know that i've indulged foolishly through last week, and i have to get back to eating responsibly again.

i also know that not logging my food is tantamount to giving myself permission to eat what i desire rather than what i need, it is an unworking of my 1st step when it comes to my food and carb addiction, and it needs to stop.

today i had two scrambled eggs, an Italian sausage and toast for breakfast.  i had the last of my spinach salad and six crackers for my chicken salad for lunch.  for dinner i'm having broccoli-cauliflower-cheddar soup and a steak sandwich.  for dessert, sugar free cherry pie.  this is my celebration for a three week check and continuing on a path to being better than i've been, spiritually and physically.  i will be back tomorrow.