RELATIVITY

...been a longer minute than i'd thought...

i was listening to John Lennon this morning, 'Nobody Told Me', and the sentiment was on pointe.  i have been living in a bit of a bubble for the past week, but it's time for that bubble to burst.  it's time to get busy.

first, thank you Jehovah, for my sobriety, serenity and sanity.

thank you, VF, for reminding me of my right to be human.

thank you, Sherese, for reminding me to just start, even if it's a small start.

as a human concern, especially a human American concern, we're often taught not to need help, not to need others, to just plow and grind and push and strain even if there are no results.  i am so thankful that there are people in my life who are not the average human 'American' concerns.  thank you for my life.

let's cover a week.

on Monday last, we had our luncheon.  I thought it was nice, others thought it turned out great.  though i initiated the gathering, it was the contribution of each and every person there that made it worthwhile.  lotta food, lotta good fellowship for a non-12 step venue.  it made me happy to be around my fellow drivers and see them sort of harmonious.

that all ended with the 2nd half of the day.  i cannot go into any details about it.  promises made.  but this is my Journey, this is my life, and I havc a right to at least express the pain i am dealing with.  and it is pain, but i am dealing with it, and that is with God's grace and the blessing of people who believe in my character. and, honestly, that is the most important thing to me. 

see, i've grown as a human, and i've grown as a spirit.  i've grown into this spirit that i endeavor to live now.  once, i was not even concerned about my character, seeing myself only as harmful people saw me.  in my recovery, i've learned that i have value and faults, i have strengths and weaknesses.  i have challenges and successes.  i have the ability to bring healing or harm, and i prefer to bring healing.  i am, as a child of God, able to deal with serpents and snakes, but that doesn't mean i'm immune to poison.  i won't die.  but it makes me sick sometimes.  but the sickness is a time of reflection.  how did this sickness come about?  how did i open the door to it?  what should i do differently next time it's knocking?  those are the considerations that make the difference between same ol' same ol' and brand new experiences. 

some may choose to question my character, but i will not.  i do what i can, and i try to be consistent at all times.  and if that isn't enough, then i'm not the teacher in that situation, and that's okay too.  and that's the end of that. 

so, Tuesday, i went to the Cleveland Clinic and saw Dr. B, and got the ball rolling on this Brachytherapy that i'll undergo in September.  i rode down with Lonnie, had a good ride and a good visit. came home and decided to clean off my porch, wipe down furniture and table, sweep and then soap-sweep the porch itself, arrange the furniture properly.  nicer place to grill, nicer place to chill.  Wednesday was when i walked into the stale spiritual air at work, which persisted until the end of the work week. but i separated myself from it, just staying away from the people, while i continued to do the things that are important to me, like making coffee in the morning, getting there early so i'm not late, being as kind as i can and as real as i'm able in any situation. 

also, on Wednesday, my bus malfunctioned.  i got stuck in my first drop-off's driveway for an hour.  my bus ended up in the shop.  i've been driving the Boss' old bus since then as i wait for my bus to be repaired.  but the rest of the week was pretty uneventful.  as i said, i stayed in my own zone, did my job, went through the emotional changes that it took me through and just took it one day at a time. 

this weekend, i cleaned my downstairs good and washed and dried my clothes, bath stuff and etc.  i'm getting ready for a trip to Columbus on Wednesday.  me and Syd and the grandson.  take some time away, see De'Ja and Porsha, some other folks i've not seen in a while, take some love and give some back, reset maybe, rejuvenate, perhaps, but get away from this shit? absolutely. 

i have someone at the meetings signifying about me in a disparaging way.  it's an interesting thing; you know when someone is refering to you, but Carly Simon sort of took away the ability to respond to anonymous sniping with return fire with her song, 'You're So Vain'.  i can't just engage because my name has never been spoken by this person, but there is no doubt that she refers to me.  i've consdered how to respond, the consideration being the response itself, but i've not decided anything just yet.  we'll see how it turns out, if it continues.

i feel good today.  had BK for breakfast, not good, but this is not a breakfast cooking day for me.  i'm going to go to WalMart soon, get some things i need for the house, some things that i need for the meeting.  thinking i may grill tonight, not sure though.  we'll see how i'm feeling after the meeting.  see if i have any peoples visiting today. 

but i again express my gratitude to Jehovah, for allowing me to 'SEE', to respond rather than react, and to prioritize according to my spiritual needs first.  Time to start the day.  Oops, it's started already...

Time Passes (it does that)

well, it's tuesday.  and i'm off work today, so i can go to the Cleveland Clinic to start the real process of treating this thing.  i'm not scared.  i'm not even worried, to be honest.  i kinda wish i'd opened their letter before yesterday so i could have gotten all that i needed gathered together.  but i have my med list and i have my insurance information.  anything else my doctors here can fax or email over.  if that's not good enough, there will be other appointments.

for now, i am going to pick up Lonnie soon and we'll start out.  8am appointment, lawd... all they had, so i took it.  he's got surgery later today, so my afternoon appointment was moved forward. 

i got up with prayer, read my meditations and took my meds.  had coffee, water and a 4 pack of Lorna Doones.  that's it for now.  i'm about to get dressed, get my little bit of stuff together and go get Lonnie to roll out.  i feel a pretty good day ahead.  but we'll see.

yesterday, at work, we had a luncheon that i initiated.  it turned out pretty nice, i have to admit.  a lot of food, a lot of company, laughs and some work and some unexpected smiles.  and there was still the tension and the simmering of the problems that plague us, but i never thought a lunch would just remove that shit.  i felt a lunch would give us a chance to interact that we don't usually get, and it did that.  we had a good day, some good times.  and we may have more. only Jehovah knows for sure.  but we have that, and that will have to be enough for now. 

i have raised my daughter and have seen my son doing his profession and pushing his boundaries.  i've become a better son to my parents, at least by my reckoning, and i've seen my grandson, my namesake, travel one time around the sun on planet Earth.  i have been loved and i have been alone.  i have written my books, my poetry, sang my songs and stood on some stages and accepted the will of an audience.  i feel okay with whatever comes, because the sum of all my yesterdays is a not too bad today. 

thank you, Father, for perspective. 

i'm done, got to roll.

Around The (grand)Sun...

this is the truth. 

this is what it is all about.

from the time he was born, to this day when his varied family celebrates his trip around the sun, my grandson, my daughter's child, has grown. 

he is developing, he is changing.  he is understanding things, and communicating and asking for understanding.  he is growing.  he was barely an armful when he was born.  i remember.  i held him, i fed him as his mother tried to fight the disorientation she was feeling, though the reasons for that escape me now. 

i've watched him grow.  i've watched him gain sentience and awareness, i've watched him become prescient, in his own way. 

the things he sees...the things he has been a witness to, already in his life. 

i can only say that i appreciate him, i love him to the bone and breath within me.  i can say that i am proud of my daughter and of Joe, his father, for bringing this child into the world, though their troubles have not ended as a result. 

i am tired, my leg hurts, i'm using my cane and i'm hungry.  i have chores to finish and more things to do tomorrow. 

but for now, my grandson is celebrating a year of life.  that's enough for the moment.  that is more than enough. 

thank you, Jehovah. 

(what is) Happiness

this truth manifests itself over and over in my life, but i seem to refuse to want to learn it, or perhaps to respond to it is a better way to put it.

last weekend I made a soup for a friend who asked for soup.  they asked for vegetable soup, which is not something that i've made before but never made me think it a difficult task.  the soup turned out very well, and they and others at work seemed to enjoy it. 

at the same time, i've been in the process of organizing, loosely using that term, a luncheon for next week, as a way of just doing things us for us.  it also is not really difficult, but it is involved as a process, just as making a good soup is.  there are elements that go into it, all of them have different properties and preparations, to bring out the most from each one, yet each has to act in harmoney with the others. 

all that fancy talk is avoiding what the thought is. that people like to receive, and they like to follow, but they don't seem to get the ability to DO, to just begin a process and ask others to participate. 

i had to learn this, over years, because of insecurities, because of my addictions, because of my introverted nature.  but when i learned it, i took it to heart, and i try to open these corridors as often as i can.  but it would be nice if people would catch on.  if people would decide that it's good to feel good, and would do more inclusive things to bring a chance for others to feel good in the things that they do.

what has that to do with happiness?

well, i grumble and complain an awful lot, but i had to acknowledge that i enjoyed having time to hang out with my fellow drivers at the last gathering we did, even though it was mostly work related.  and like, when i finally broke through my fears and began going to the sober dances and participating, i like to do the things that make me feel good. they enhance my happiness, they don't MAKE me happy. and that distinction is important, because that means the happiness is already within me.  something that MAKES me happy creates something that isn't there.  and if you can create something that an individual needs, you have a modicum, a varying degree, of control over that person. 

i like making soup, because it is an offering of enhanced happiness, of life, to people that i care about, or at least that i interact with.

i like sharing experience for the same reason.  i like having time with friends and sharing love for the same reason. 

that would mean that, despite my grumblings, i am happy.  i do have happiness within me.  and that's a good realization. 

so i'm working on letting more of that out.  i'm working on allowing myself to be happy on the outside more.  and maybe that will just open the door for someone to come and try to kill it, as it has in the past.  but if it's in me, it's in me. it belongs to me.  and hiding it to keep it safe doesn't really sound a lot like...happiness.  does it?

it's Friday.  i've done what i'm going to do before work.  time to get dressed and get moving.  I thank Jehovah for placing Happiness within me that doesn't depend on other people for its existence, and I'm thankful for that realization at this time. 

so, i'm trying to do a quick entry, which i should have taken more time to do, but my sleep was deep and coming out of it is a journey in itself.  but i have to get this down before it goes, because it has some significance, as i remember the dream i woke from this morning.

it was a cop show type dream, but it involved someone who had raped someone that i know.  no names.  the person had been arrested after the victim had called the police to report the rape, stating that the individual was far more dangerous than the police knew.  i'm fairly sure i was one of the officers, though not as myself. 

as i said, the guy was caught, was not speaking, figuring he would beat the rape charge, and there was definitely something extraordinarily menacing about him.  i continued asking others questions and eventually we looked through his van for clues and i did some real TV style extrapolations that his van wasn't so much for rape, as it was equipped for a child predator.  it was heated independently in the rear, cordoned off from the rest of the van but it was proportionate to one adult, which gave off the impression of someone smaller.  we found there'd been a rash of child disappearances in this individuals sphere of movement and when we accused him, he suddenly wanted a lawyer right then.  that was when i woke up. 

thing is, i knew the people who were the victims in the dream.  so i have to pray for understanding and then be prepared to act when the dream is clarified. 

that's all for now.

Goings On...

six days ago?  about that, i guess.  I'm just tired lately, that's all.  no reason other than that.  nothing huge, no tragedies at the moment.  life stuff, which of course is arbitrary and unthinking.  regardless, it is not without detail, so a summary, to get myself back on track, should suffice.  if not, apologies all around.

to start, it's been a week of level movement.  i continue to pray, to take my meds, to read, to work and to tend to the things that God puts before me to the best of my ability.  I look after my parents, trying to make sure they have meals to eat.  it doesn't really matter if they are counting on me for that, as they should be able to count on me or someone for that.  they are both in their own habitation.  my father's urgent care visits are on the upswing again.  my brother is hurting worse than before. every day.  doesn't sound like he's having any relatively pain-free days, and that sucks. 

work's been okay.  the clients have been good, getting to work safely and home safely. my route will be increasing in July, so more hours, more money.  the house is still just a place to be, but it's home, such as it is.  the writing is moving, the poetry has come back, which is nice, and i'm composing a poetry book alongside the novel that remains unnamed. 

all my friends seem to be going through things, which is not good.  but there is nothing that i can really do except keep them in prayer and in my heart, which i do.  i'm working on getting the eating back in hand, not under 'control', and i just made that distinction, because i am a recovering addict, and 'control' does not exist for me.  surrender, acceptance, faith with appropriate action is how change for the better occurs. 

just finished my shower and shaving, and took my meds for the day.  i'm out of milk, have to stop at the store later.  need to put in an order for some stuff for the meeting, but that's for next week, not today's meeting.  two more days of work after this.  plans for Columbus in the near future.  that's about the size of it all.  i'll talk to you later.

Push against the Push

so, it's Thursday evening.  the shut down is coming soon.  so i want to get these thoughts out before i close the store, so to speak. 

today was a bit rough. i got some kind of respiratory thing going on, got to do with the changing of the weather, cold to hot, having a window open at night and waking freezing.  short sleep don't help much either.  so i got through the day but it was a struggle.  i did my thing this morning, as previously reported.  i got my runs done, and that was cool.  i have things to get done tomorrow, to tend to some people who have either celebrated birthdays or will be, including one client from my bus. 

what did i do today?  well, i talked to my mother, who was distressed because something in the medicine they prescribed for her at the urgent care had a bad effect on her.  she went to her doctor right away, and that's good.  but i can tell things are starting to wear on her more heavily.  i spent time with Syd and the grandson, and we had brunch and he was his usual self, which is cool.  he likes scrambled eggs, and he likes to drink water from a water glass.  he's a lot like his mother was at her age.  to remember such things is a joy and a sadness at the same time. 

i later took Syd to WalMart for some things, and i had her buy me some things that i needed.  not that i didn't have the money; just as a way to have something to say thank you to her for.  and then i came home./  massive debate on grabbing some bullshit for my dinner, but instead i came home. cleaned the stuff out of my care that i'd had in my mom's car.  brought everything in the house.  got clothes into the dryer, washed my winter light coat and my vest and my Kangol, continued to monitor the movement of the fucking mice (use your own imagination) and i got my dinner done.  i've spoken to De'ja. i have coffee ready to brew, both here and at work.  and i am about to take some meds to try to get my ass back to functional tomorrow. 

i have written some tonight, and my dishes are washed.  i'm thankful and expressing that thanks to Jehovah, as i prayed for strength to do more than just eat and sleep, and i received that blessing.  i'm going to go now, and i have counseling tomorrow and a birthday for R.M. on my bus, who remains nameless and loved by his family and me.  Out. 

off the fucking rails, again...

yes, so since i've taken the guesswork out of my silences, it should be easy to guess that i'm not doing what i should be doing by way of my eating right now. that's not why i stopped writing here initially, but it is why i haven't been lately.  but i'm not going to stop fighting to do better.  maybe that's all the good that i'll ever manage, is not to give up completely.  but i'll take that, if that's all there is, and if there's more, i'll find that out too. 

i'm not done. 

5=17-19 (recap mostly of the past week)

my apologies for the absence.  i have detailed some of the mindset in my Journey and i'll try to continue moving forward, which would be the best thing.  but for now, i want to just document what's going on, so that i'm not cheating the process.

for the most part, i've stayed on the track i've been on.  but i have done some eating that i shouldn't have, and i will get my shit back in gear again.  wednesday we had a cookout at work, and i had a burger on a bun, and two chocolate chip cookies.  yesterday i had a small bag of Sun chips, had a remnants of a cookie after my work day was done, and had a meatball sandwich on an Italian roll and some fries for dinner.

in the AA big book, in the foreward titled 'The Doctor's Opinion', there is a description of the 'phenomenon of craving' that an alcoholic undergoes when they put alcohol in their system. to quote:

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks—drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery."

this is also true of addicts of any kind.  abstinence is of the utmost importance, is in fact irreplaceable as the only reality through which real recovery can take place. which is why the new recovery modes are so obviously a sham.  they don't place the emphasis on having to not use.  it's like trying to taper off from a bullet, getting shot 'only so much' as opposed to not getting shot at all.  which is going to be more beneficial to one's health?

but for a food addict, the danger is that the world is a shooting range.  so, the awareness has to be present, even in surrender.  to take on something as i ate, the carbs, the comfort food items, puts me right back into the phenomenon of craving for more, and the insidiousness of it is, it will masquerade itself as hunger, though i am not hungry.  so i have to exercise caution and some common sense.  the only way these things change.  and i have to get back on track NOW, not down the road.

that's why i just ate 2 eggs and 2 sausages for breakfast, and why i'm going to be cautious as to my food intake for the rest of the day.  same analogy.  if i go two months without getting shot, and i take a break and walk across a shooting range, i could get shot in the head and die.  and that walk across will not be worth it, and will invalidate the days that i managed to not take such a foolish action, right?

enough for now, i've got some novel writing to do. 

sidetracked (5-14-19)

sorry, got a bit off-line far as the food logging goes, but fortunately, not as far as the food itself. 

yesterday, no breakfast (by choice), lunch was baked cod, two tiny baked red-skinned potatoes and broccoli.  dinner was a bunch of meatballs and some Mediterranean-style hummus.  yum.  had a bowl of honey-nut cherrios for my snack.  right?  there.  let's stay together awhile.

the Journey

5-8-19

yeah, so a little off today, but only due to a bit of physical pain.  and more on than off, which i can dig.

breakfast was a smoked sausage and some cottage cheese, less than a third of a cup.  lunch was six BBQ wing dings and greens.  dinner was a chicken philly wrap and a salad with iceberg lettuce, onion, tomatoes and cheese.  sugar-free chocolate pudding is dessert.  so, the philly was the villain, and having hurt my ankle i'm not standing to cook tonight.  that is all.

friday the 3rd, saturday the 4th

yeah, been away for a bit.  no bad things have occurred, thank the Father.  but catch up is required, hold the fries. a joke, and yet not a joke.😆 

anyway, on Friday, i didn't do breakfast, as i was going to lunch with Joshua that day.  lunch was a gyro (yee-row) with some stuffed grape leaves.  the gyro came loaded with Idora style (or, as the rest of the world thinks of them, shoestring) fries, but i gave all but ten of them to Joshua.  dinner was a piece of fish, two wings and a salad. 

Saturday i had a mess of a sausage patty cut up, two eggs, american cheese, peppers and onions scrambled together.  breakfast.  lunch was a piece of fish, a chicken wing.  later i had the last two bbq chicken legs left from Thursday, i think.  late in the evening i had three eggs scrambled with cheese and four sausage links at Denny's.  staying carb-light.  that's what i haven't logged this weekend, and now i'm caught up. 

I had ONE chocolate chip cookie this morning.

Lunch. Man, i'm proud. Salad. A cup of soup. A chicken breast. Broccoli and cheese. A small helping of mashed potatoes with a small Salisbury steak on top.
Looks like a lot, but compared to last week? Heavens to Murgatroyd.

Dinner will be 2 BBQ chicken legs from the grill, a strip steak and salad.

That's the deal. 😁

4-30-19

much better.  not perfect, but much better.

no breakfast.  lunch was roast beef and cabbage. 
dinner was pizza. 
ice cream (sugar free) and a great big orange after dinner.

that's it.  i know, progress can be simple if i allow it to be. 

🥪

4-29-19

i actually thought about not logging for Monday, as i knew i was out of whack, but that's not how it's done, is it?  nothing hidden changes.  so, breakfast was 2 sausage and cheese on english muffin sandwiches and a strawberry milk. lunch was the pasta my friend made for my parents on Saturday.  dinner was 2 slices of leftover pizza and leftover salad.  my carb intake is ridiculous.  i am in the process, once again, of eating myself to death.  i keep wanting to say 'i don't know what the problem is', but bullshitting myself won't change things either.  the problem is depression, lack of self-motivation, self-pity and fear over a dwindling light called 'a future'.  and the last is the one that holds the sharpest knife right now.  just a little insight.  shit's got to change...

4-28-19

not the healthiest day, but far from the worst. 
didn't have breakfast yesterday; ate a leftover turkey sausage. 
lunch was a fish sandwich, salad and fries.
dinner was pizza (3 slices) and salad
had a piece of foccacia bread before bed. 
i have not forgotten this page, and will not forget it.  but i am trying to get back into a rhythm.  bear with me, whoever runs into this. 

4-24-19

missed yesterday, sorry.  i think i had a bad eating day, a huge fucking BK breakfast burrito for breakfast, some kind of toasted sub from Pizza Joe's and fettuccine and red sauce with hot turkey italian sausage for dinner.  just way too much food. 

today was better, had sausage and cheese breakfast sandwiches on english muffins and milk for breakfast, had one piece of fish and two wings for early supper.  just had cake, which is it for my eating today. 

4-22-19

no breakfast.  brunch-ish was a four pack of peanut butter crackers and a banana.  lunch proper was two slices of pizza.  dinner was 8 wing dings, a cup of mashed potatoes and a cup of lima beans.  piece of cake for dessert.  getting better, i suppose. 

4-21-19

today i had 2 cheeseburgers, a sausage, sautee'd zucchini and mashed potatoes.  dinner.  that's it.  no breakfast, no lunch.  a cupcake at the meeting, a swiss roll for dessert.  feeling okay. 

4-20-19

yesterday, Saturday, was an indulgent mess.  i had a fish sandwich and a chicken sandwich from BK.  at most i could have eaten one, but i ate them both and had cheesy bacon tots with them.  breakfast was the last of the meat loaf, eggs and grits.  snack shit as well.  popcorn was the healthiest thing i ate yesterday, to be honest.  trying to do better for sunday. 

4-19-19

breakfast on Friday was had with my parents, scrambled eggs w cheese, sausage, homefries and biscuits.  no lunch.  dinner was catfish, wings, greens and fries.  had some kit kat like things, some sugar free ice cream.  that was that.

4-18-19

breakfast today was 2 eggs, a piece of toast with some orange marmalade on it and meat loaf.  lunch was a fish sandwich, far too overloaded with stuff, and some onion rings.  i had 2 small pieces of snack cake and some popcorn also.  that's it for today. 

sigh...

again...i'm sorry.  it's been a lot going on, and i've not been attentive to this blog as i should be.  i'll return soon to get back to accountability.  my word on that. 

April and Such

i'm not sure the last time i entered here. i am trying to stay consistent, but most days are kind of a blur lately.  i can say today breakfast was eggs and rice and a pork chop and a leftover biscuit, and that lunch was a sloppy joe and mac n cheese.  i can say i had a donut and some chips along the way.  i don't know if i'm even eating dinner tonight, i'm not hungry but i should put something in my face.  but i didn't do bad yesterday, eating out with friends twice on Saturday and trying to be more responsive, only doing breakfast and dinner.  sugar's been okay, but it needs to come down some still.  and i got to get back to working on this weight.  so, that's where i am currently.  anything i eat tonight will be by way of meat and veggies.  good night to you.

better plateau (i'm hoping...)

 so, i can't say what got me off my writing lately, as i was sharing the good and the bad.  a lot of grief, a lot of changes in my family dynamic.  regardless, here we are and here i am, and let's get back to this now, shall we?

for breakfast i had a boiled egg and some italian turkey sausage.  for lunch, i had a giant eagle salad, some meat loaf and a piece of fish.  for dinner i had breaded pork chop, spicy red cabbage and some seasoned jasmine rice.  i also had a slice of cake and some ice cream for dessert.  had a piece of cake and some ice cream as well.  did exercise this morning also.  now i'm going to crash out and if i wake up in the morning, i'll resume the Journey forthwith.

3-31-19

not a great eating day.  had the half-frittata for breakfast as mentioned, but i also had a ton of junk throughout the day, the results of not even trying to watch what i put in my mouth on the road today.  two donuts, chips, a dessert with my lunch.  lunch wasn't bad, chicken and beans and rice.  and i had two pieces of chicken for a late dinner.  but still, i got to do better than that. 

3-29-19, 3-30-19

best recollection is all i can do at this point.  i know on Friday i didn't have breakfast, i had a fish sandwich for lunch with a few fries and a bowl of an amazing tomato/cabbage soup, and i had catfish, broccoli & cheese and a baked sweet potato for dinner.  yesterday i had a frittata for breakfast that had smoked sausage, small diced potato, spinach, onions, peppers egg and cheese, and one piece of wheat toast with sugar free jelly.  for lunch i had a patty melt at Perkins, a few fries, a cup of chicken tortilla soup and a piece of pie.  i had a lunch pie in the evening.  that was it for Saturday.  this is Sunday and i've had the other half of the frittata from yesterday.  i'll post the official meal log on Monday morning, as i'll be traveling soon. 

the Journey

3-28-19

Own damn fault, but a better day. Breakfast: a hamburger patty with a fried egg on top, melted pepperjack cheese.
Lunch: a salad of greens, tomato, onion and plantain chips with roast pork & 3 whole garlic parm wings. But dinner will be fish, wings and fries. More details at the Journey later.

3-27-19

been rough going, still doing the dumb shit, not avoiding because of that, just been succumbing to the grief of a recent loss, i imagine.

breakfast yesterday, 2 McD's breakfast burritos.  lunch was a gyro from Ghossein's.  dinner was a cup of stir fry with rice, a turkey sausage and a spinach salad with chicken and pepper jack cheese.  had a lunch size cherry pie for dessert.  that's all for now.  no more fast food starting today.  other changes coming. 

3-24-19ca, 3-25-19

kinda missed an actual update yesterday.  not sure how, since i didn't leave the house except to go to the store, but oh well...

breakfast on Sunday was bacon, eggs and grits.  lunch/dinner was a chicken burrito (to eliminate some of this chicken from my parent's house) and a bowl of clam chowder.  didn't eat a meal after that, but i had a piece of apple pie and some caramel swirl ice cream on top.  that's about it for yesterday. 

today i had a huge breakfast sandwich from BK. totally indulgent, i admit.  i had a section of sub sandwich at my parent's house about 10, and i had 2 egg rolls and some hot and sour soup at 12:30 or so.  i'm going to have a burger and a spinach salad for dinner.  not sure if i'll have more pie.  that's about the size of that right now.  caught up at the Dining Table, and time to get back to the Journey.

Eating Grief

...fair enough representation.  i am not going to attempt to log breakfast, lunch and dinner over the last 2 days, because they don't exist.  i've been eating just to put food in my face, mostly to maintain the numbness, i believe, over my brother Robert Thomas' death.  but i have to continue to log, because that's the responsibility and the discipline necessary to bring about the coming change.  plus, that's what the Journey is really all about, isn't it?  not perfect steps, but perfect disclosure. 

so, let's see.  chips.  2 ice cream bars.  chicken.  a lot of chicken, mostly fried, but some baked.  a whole 3 egg frittata yesterday.  pizza, two or three pieces.  i think that might be about the worst of it.  huh.  but i mean, a LOT of chicken. 

okay, i'm going to get back on track today.  thanks for not forgetting me. 

3-20-19

time for bed.  quick jotting, not a great day.  breakfast was a sourdough sandwich from BK and small tots.  lunch was 2 pieces of chicken and cole slaw.  dinner was haddock, fries and a salad.  way too many starches today, and the fast food thing needs to be stopped, not slowed down.  had 4 cookies after dinner.  not disgusted with myself, just need to do better.  done. 

3-19-19

well, we keep going, don't we?  no breakfast this morning, had Chinese for lunch (spicy garlic beef w steamed rice, hot and sour soup, appetizers of one wing ding, one crab rangoon and two egg rolls), dinner was a chicken sandwich, much like the one pictured except made at home, and some broccoli and cheese.  had six peanut butter cookies for dessert.  that's about the size of that today. 

3-18-19

well, breakfast yesterday was UBER-responsible, but the rest of the day...not so much.

breakfast was two boiled eggs and a banana.  i know, right?

lunch was a hot pepper sandwich and a bowl of wedding soup.  not the worst, but that sandwich... i won't go into a description, as i'm not going to set myself up for a repeat.

dinner was cool, a fajita salad to make up for the heavy bread at lunch. 

BUT...

i had peanut butter cups before my noon runs, i had a piece of turtle cheesecake for dessert last night.  i did have cantaloupe for my snack.

so it could have been worse.  but it could have been better too.  have to stay honest. 

3-17-19

Sunday was a pretty good eating day as well, though i felt sabotage was working on my mind in the craving of a reuben, since the abundance of them on st. patrick's day was a 'good excuse'.  but it didn't happen.

breakfast - scrambled eggs and homefries (one potato, peppers and onions)

lunch - a fajita, much like the one pictured above

dinner - a fajita 

had two small pieces of cake at lunch (b-day thing) and some cantaloupe after dinner.  drank lots of water.  no leg cramps last night.

3-16-19

again, the day was a better day.  i actually picked up fruit from the store yesterday, and i've not had much fruit in my house since last year.  easy, so easy, to slip away from doing better for yourself, so easy to slide back into WANT, and so hard to get scaled back to NEED when it comes to consumption of food.  but i did better. 

on Saturday, i had a mess for breakfast.  one medium potato, cubed and sauteed with crumbled sausage, onions, eggs and cheese.  lunch was a piece of smoked sausage on one slice of multi-grain bread with chicken noodle soup on the side, and dinner was a hamburger, much like the one pictured above, with a creamy chicken and wild rice soup from Progresso.  i had some cantaloupe, a sugar-free pudding during the day and for dessert, one cream puff.  and that was actually it.  so, again, the day was a better day.  tomorrow morning, i start moving this flesh for exercise. 

The Journey

3-15-19

 well, did i do better on Friday than Thursday?  unequivocally, yes.  did i do as i wanted to do, what my usual aim is?  no, but that's okay.  there is not an aim for perfection at this point, but to progress, to get better and to change to stay changed for once.  that's the objective every time, but if i do a little at a time, if i modify as i go, i will continue to improve.  and there's nothing wrong with that at all.

so breakfast yesterday was smoked sausage and scrambled eggs with cheese, and a piece of multi-grain toast with sugar free jelly.  lunch was beer batter fried fish with homefries and soup and a salad.  dinner was a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup.  i had 5 peanut butter cookies for dessert and popcorn while i watched a movie on the television.  again, not bad. 

today i'm going to get some fruit to snack on instead of all my snack stuff needing to be carbohydrates, though.  need to change as the end-of-day carbs is raising my blood sugar level overnight.  we'll hit today's meals before midnight, also a good goal to shoot for.  ciao.

the Journey

3/14/19

Easy to overlook and pretend like s*** is okay. But I think to clarify, I am emerging from a depression. Not emerged. So on Thursday, I had a breakfast sandwich from McDonald's. Sausage egg and cheese biscuit. For lunch, I had an 8-inch Pizza and cheese sticks. For dinner, I had beans. But, the problem was I ate a bunch of s*** between I shouldn't have eaten. Like chips, a slice of cake, cookies, Etc. But if I can't be honest about it, I'll go back to hiding it. So here's my update. And today I will do better than I did yesterday. Thank you, Jehovah.

3-13-19

well, let's get this party started, shall we?

i am doing this now, at about a quarter after 6pm, because that way i can lock in the end of my eating right now.  i didn't have breakfast this morning, but i did have a pack of peanut butter crackers on the bus, 4 in total.  for lunch i had some wings, totaling six, and about a solidly packed cup of collard greens.  i also had a half chicken sandwich at my parent's house (sliced rotisserie chicken on one slice of bread with a bit of mayo).  for dinner, a catfish salad (not nearly as pretty as the one pictured above) and three leftover wings.  dessert is going to be peanut butter cookies and milk.  this isn't about denial, so much as cutting way back and getting more physically active, as well as accountability.  i am grateful for the meals, grateful for the day and am done now.

(http://dysfunctionaldystopian.blogspot.com/)

Returning

i've been out of control.

that's the bottom line, and it's an emotional response to my external environment and my internal health concerns and fears.  but i can't keep living this way.

starting today, i go back to full-time monitoring and logging.  i will do this at the end of each day, and will work on tracking the Journey at the beginning of each day, as i've already begun to do.

thank you, to whomever, for being patient with me.