Negligence...

it starts innocently enough.

just living life, and in motion constantly. 

easier to grab something quick and cheap, especially when the cash is toxically low.  easier, quicker. 

tired and busy, details, breakfast can be on point, dinner is easy enough, but lunch on the move is not good.  it can be done correctly, of course.  but that takes time, and tired is significant.  mentally more than physically, but one leads strangely to the other. 

then, there's a banana pudding on your horizon. 

i've missed several days.  i can sum up most of it easily.  i've skipped breakfast twice.  lunch on previous days has been either dollar burrito and tostada at TB or wings and a pastallilo.  so, there you go.  opens the door for a banana pudding. 

i'm going to log now, for today, because i got to get my shit back on track for real.  saw some good progress in the fitting of clothes today, want to keep moving in that direction. 

so, first meal, i guess you'd call it, was a banana and a boiled egg, which was about 10am when i was about to leave to get the chicken and cake for the anniversary meeting today.

then, at the anniversary, i had a small helping of lasagna, a chicken breast, taco salad and meatballs in red sauce.  i had more taco salad while i was cleaning after the meeting.  when i got home, putting things away, i had two large tablespoons of banana pudding (you had to know it factored in somewhere, right?), then for dinner i had greens and meatballs.  i am full, i'm sleepy and i'm going to take fast acting insulin tomorrow to get my sugar right, and get back on a real food plan. 

but it was a brief hiatus.  the TB isn't as bad as it sounds, it's just an open door that doesn't need to be open.  i have to watch my grazing habits, because that's what kills me.  but that was today.  now i'm going to sleep.  thank you, Father. 

BackLog

i don't know...something about the weekends, i guess.  didn't get things logged yesterday.  but i'm going to catch up now, and then i'll get on with the Journey.

on Saturday, i actually did not do breakfast.  i got up and got moving on the things that i had to obtain for Wednesday's anniversary.  i think i did, anyway.  i believe i had leftover oatmeal later in the day, as i was doing lunch with Marc that early noon.

lunch was a half a roast beef and cheddar sandwich and a cup of sausage chili at Bob Evans.

dinner was an Italian hot sausage, a beef patty with diced tomatoes and cheese, and cabbage sauteed with onion, green pepper, potato and apple slices.  had half of that so i could have the rest today with dinner.

breakfast today, two eggs scrambled, one sausage patty and a slice of multigrain toast with peach sugar free jam

lunch was a burrito and tostada at TB, dollar menu.  on the move again, got to slow shit down a bit.

dinner was two chicken thighs cooked in the crock pot and the rest of the cabbage from yesterday. 

i'll be back on regular schedule tomorrow.   

Yum-ski

 whew.  one of my favorite things, as Coltrane once played so eloquently.  i treated myself to one and am not ashamed.  i was telling my counselor today i am looking forward to my doctor's appointment next month, so i can see if my food plan is working.  other than that, not a bad day considering...

no breakfast at all.  a no-no, but the damage is done.

lunch was a gyro (sort of pictured above)

dinner: two salisbury steaks with peas and a baked potato.

dessert:  sugar-free vanilla pudding.

i know, boring.  but that's how it goes.  feeding the hunger, not the drama.

Sorry, Slept

Didn't mean to skip yesterday, but i actually fell asleep writing the Journey, so I just shut down after that. But, here is the food log for 1/25.

Breakfast: 2 eggs (I think), sausage patty, wheat toast, 1/4 apple.

Lunch: 2 fish tacos with cabbage/broccoli slaw, olives and cheese

Dinner: 2 thin sliced pork chops  (leftovers),rice and broccoli and cheese.

Snack: peanut butter crackers

yesterday's repast

sorry, it was a day of dragging yesterday.  i got the Journey logged, and the eating was rather sporadic, but here goes.  for the 10 step of eating better.

breakfast - 1 cup of flavored oatmeal with 1/4 gala apple cut up in it, two eggs scrambled with cheese

lunch - baked chicken leg, greens and a few teaspoonfuls of beans and rice (Jordan's market)

dinner - pot roast with carrots and sprinkling of potatoes (leftovers)

snack - bowl of corn flakes in milk

nothing glamorous, but it did the trick.

Boundaries and Limitations

i know.  but i don't mean them as the same thing, and i can only be so specific now, because this is where the point of this being MY inventory, MY journal, MY tenth step and my Journey comes into play most strongly.  i have to insist. 

i am troubled by what i may have to take as an action toward someone who is nearing the end of their own journey.  the action will not be pleasant, it won't be understood, i'm almost positive.  but it may have to happen, because my personal space is being polluted by flotsam and jetsam from the past, and i don't choose to entertain that from anyone, regardless of circumstances. 

i have a past.  if you haven't figured that out by now, you've wasted your time reading here.  everyone has one.  my past is interesting to me because it's mine.  it is also boring to me because it's mine and because the grass on your side of the fence always looks better kept and more exotic than mine.  that's human nature, i believe. 

having a past, i've done things that i'm not proud of, but i own them.  and when i know that what i've done is wrong, i attempt to amend that wrong, to repair the damage, to own my actions and attempt to clear away any wreckage or debris those actions have created.  sometimes i'm successful, others not so much.  and i'd have to say i've been mostly successful, but i've had my amends rejected before.  this is one such case. 

again, no specifics here, but i will post an 'example' that i can be specific about.  once, i had to track down a former SO to make an amend, because i knew from a 4th step i'd completed that i had to own my wrongs toward her.  it took some time, but i did track her down on FB.  i contacted her, friended her there, and told her that i needed to make an amend for the wrongs i'd done her.  i acknowledged them, apologized and said i'd make things right however i could.  i've found, over the years, that ownership is the biggest part of the 9th and 10th steps, and that if there is no money owed, changed behavior accommodating the apology usually suffices.  it did not in the case that i began this entry with, but in the one i'm speaking of now, it seemed to.  but then came the downside. 

with the renewed contact, there came questions about someone i had been messing around with at that time as well.  questions about seeing them, about how things had been, and so on.  and i had to tell the person in question that i wasn't here for all that.  all i'd wanted to do was to own my part of the past and try to make restitution if possible.  if it wasn't then it wasn't.  and i went on about my way, and eventually we stopped talking again.  because i wasn't trying to establish something else with her, with the coin for that transaction being you get to dredge up all kinds of bullshit from our life to assault me with it.  not gonna happen.  and since i don't want to re-establish a relationship with you, what would make you think that i'm about to break down and do a confession?  i'm going to own my part, and i'm going to try to make that right.  and if you can't get with that, then i'm going to leave it alone, because the 9th steps states, 'made direct amends wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others'.  and making an amend that turns into some uncomfortable confrontation about my personal life makes me uncomfortable. 

some of the other situation's elements are the same, and i shall talk about it in counseling on Friday, but i had to sort through some of it so i can pray on it the right way.  i'm tired, and i wanted to get that down.  it was a good day, good work, still not paid, went to 2 meetings today, and have eaten and am on my way to bed soon enough. 

Stress Un-eating

a stressful situation that has actually affected my appetite.  that is the newest thing in my life.  never thought it would happen, but it has.  yesterday, i ate as sparingly as i ever have outside of being sick, and it's all the details of my day.  but i did eat and i am logging it, and that's what this particular journey is all about.  sooo...

1/22 -
breakfast: scrambled steak and eggs, toast with blackberry jam
lunch: two garlic-romano wing flats (yes)
dinner: five garlic romano wing dings, half a baked potato with sour cream and cheese and a spinach salad with tomatoes, apple, mushrooms and cheddar cheese.

today, so far, i've had six remaining wings for breakfast.  that is the power of my current state of mind, i couldn't even fix a proper breakfast this morning.
lunch turned out to be a cup and a half, approximately, of pulled bbq chicken breast and an apple. not bad.  dinner was two thin-cut pork chops, rice and the rest of my salad from yesterday.  which was cool, because i was minus some carbs today.  i'm good, no dessert, and i am about to put it down for the night. 

Jiggedy Jog...

i'm tired.  i have to work tomorrow.  good drive today.  not complaining, just stating some of my facts.  not much to log this evening either. 

breakfast was eggs scrambled with cheese over steak and onions and mushrooms, with two Pillsbury croissants. 
Dinner was a hamburger patty and two kielbasas halves, with diced tomatoes, melted cheese and sour cream on them, and the rest of a bowl of spicy cabbage. 

nothing in between, no lunch.  keeping things simple.  more details tomorrow, most likely.  Good night. 

Conscientious

Starting right today. Sugar was 111, up from what I want. Can't be here and not stay responsive.

Breakfast - 2 scrambled eggs with cheddar, sausage and rye toast (Dennys)

Lunch - roast beef and 3 onion rings

Dinner - the creation above. Blackened steak with grilled zucchini, tomato chutney and avocado slices. Zowie...

Quasi-Guilt

A day of frustration, evidenced in my eating. Not bad, just wrong.

Breakfast  - 12 grain toast with peanut butter

Lunch - hot n sour soup and 2 egg rolls

Road snack - one buffalo chicken grill roll thing and one chicken and cheddar thing (gas station fare)

Dinner - the innards of 3 McDoubles  (beef patties, cheese w/o buns) too many, but my son has no food and I am thinking too much. But stating honest.

Very Weary...

...i can only say that today i'm tired.  my body and my mind, this cold weather is doing a number on me.  but i have miles to go until i sleep, so let's get this in.

i'll log food as best i can over the next three days, as i'll be in Columbus and truly have to stay accountable.  in Columbus i tend to eat at the convenience of where i am at a moment, rather than stay on course.  let's pray this will be different.

yesterday:

breakfast - 1 sausage patty, one egg, one piece 12 grain toast, halved to make a breakfast sandwich (on the go)

lunch - 6 garlic parmesan wings and a beef & cheese pastalillo (indulgence)

dinner - beef roast, tiny amount of potatoes, lots of carrots, assorted peppers (yum)

had sugar-free jello for dessert and one piece of peanut butter bread before going to bed.  was hungry, not sure why.

again, i'll log as best i can.  and i'm going to do this one day at a time, that's how i can stay on track should i choose to.

beef roast pic is from web, close to mine but honestly, far fewer potatoes, consciously.  i'm getting better. 

Do Better

i have to start eating more time-consciously.  i can't keep just grabbing shit as i go through the day.  when i return from columbus, i'm going to have to start considering having pre-packed things for lunches.  just need to be more disciplined.

i had no official 'breakfast', as i was sluggish and slow this morning.  about 945am i had my first food today, a sort of cabbage/ground beef/onions and peppers fusion thing my mom made and some of the pulled bbq chicken i'd made for them yesterday.  i ate again about 1pm, which again was the stacker nd the quesidilla from TB.  that's going to stop beginning tomorrow.  for dinner, i had perch, cabbage and a sweet potato.  i am weary.  it's been a long day and the cold just intensifies each event into a world unto itself.  oh, well.  i'm done for now. 

not great eating

i have to acknowledge a day that isn't what it is supposed to be as well.  breakfast was okay today.  2 egg omelet with diced ham and broccoli, toast and sugar free blackberry jam.  lunch was iffy as hell, from TB's dollar offerings, a mini chicken quesidilla and a $1 Stacker.  but dinner happened later than i planned, and was just turkey and dressing and cranberry sauce.  not an excessive amount of dubiousness, but not responsible as i need to be.  will make certain i do better tomorrow.  nothing more to add, just feeling a bit floaty right now.  

Cravings, Treat Days and other bullshit

a moment, as there is something i want to say.

this isn't really my 'speaking' place.  that would be The Journey, where i try to keep track of my mental, emotional and spiritual placing in any given point in history.  my history anyway.  but this has to do with the reason The Dining Room exists for me now.

i found and used this picture because it represents something to me.  in it are many of the things that i enjoy eating.  the way to say that in regular vernacular would be 'the things i normally enjoy eating'.  but for someone like me, this is not 'normal', it is simply familiar.  'Normal' would be a foreign word in my life were it not for the practice of the 12 steps on my addiction to drugs and alcoholism for 29 years.  but food has always been my drug of choice.  my FIRST drug of choice, i should say.

so, since the 29th or 30th, i've been eating much more responsibly.  i have brought my blood sugar down about 10 points, and that's not bad.  i stick to the 3 meals a day, sometimes i'll have a snack, but more often than not i don't.  i don't have adequate snack stuff for one, and for another, my -ism with food is bulemia, and i'm a grazer, which means i'll just sort of put things in my face unconsciously all day.  that's not disciplined at all.  so i may make myself some sugar-free dessert pudding, but i rarely snack.  eventually i'll bring that to bear as well.

i know many people say 'give yourself a 'free' day, where you can have stuff you really want'.  it sounds good in principle, but imagine giving a heroin addict, or an alcoholic a 'free day' with their drug of choice.  one more binge later, and hindsight should point out the foolishness of that line of thinking.  but with the food addict (of which i am), because the likelihood of destroying the house, car, kids, job, marriage and sanity due to a day of burgers and shakes is not likely, it seems far more reasonable.  the Big Book of AA tells us that we're "...undisciplined, so we let God discipline us...".  and that is what this is all about.  learning to allow discipline to be my goal, and trying hard to stay out of God's way.

so, i thought about a 'free day'.  thought about all the things i'd love to put into my face.  and you know what?  there's not enough food.  there's not enough DAY in free day for me to achieve that.  there would only be one more ride on the merry go round.  and i don't feel like taking a chance that i might be wrong, because i'm probably right.

all that to say, i indulged in something today.  and it marks a change for me.  something is different in me right now, and i had to say that so that i could make you aware of what's going on with me.

breakfast today: 2 eggs, a sausage patty and 12 grain toast w strawberry sugar-free jam

lunch: open faced burger on 1 piece of toast, with diced tomatoes and cheese, and a cup of soup

dinner:  turkey, dressing w cranberry sauce, broccoli and cheese.

right!  dressing, cranberry sauce and toast under my burger.  all items that made their way onto my 'free day', so to speak.  no chocolate, no fast food, no chips, no pizza...just some things at my meal that i will leave alone again starting tomorrow.  that's new.  that's something different in the equation from before.  at least the before's of the past 10 years.

and that's good enough for me.  thank you, Jehovah.

okay, enough jawing.  i'm gone.  

blah...

 what's better than to be buried in the snow while you're inside a warm house?  lots of things, to be honest, but we have what we have, right?

yesterday was a day of minimal thinking, therefore minimal focus.  i'm going to try to log the things i ate in the course of the day, and if i forget something, it is not deliberate.  at the moment, i'm remembering more than i was when i was catching up on The Journey.  hell, i forgot one more time that this is the Dining ROOM, not the Dining TABLE, so there you go.  but anyway...

1/13/18
breakfast:  Frittata (eggs, cheddar and mozzarella cheese, onion, green and hot red pepper, potato) and one piece of 12 grain toast with blackberry jam

lunch: strange amalgam with a start of a cup of milk with corn flakes, ending with the leftover cabbage and kielbassa from friday's dinner

dinner:  a wonderful turkey vegetable soup (turkey, spinach, diced potato, rice, green beans, peas, carrots, corn, lima beans) with saltines

1/14/18
breakfast:  other half of frittata, 2 packs oatmeal (banana & blueberry packs combined), 1 cup milk

lunch: 7 wing dings, 1 bowl of yesterday's soup

dinner: kielbassa piece on 12 grain bread

yeah, i know...

getting there

accidentally wrote the Journey entry in this spot...more sleepy than i thought, i guess.  oh well, nothing much to log today, but logging anyway.  

i didn't have breakfast, "officially".  and i didn't get around to lunch til about 11am, so i did taco bell, got a beefy frito burrito and a Stacker.  carb heavy lunch.  for dinner, i made myself a concoction of cabbage, potato, green and hot peppers, onion, apple and kielbassa, lightly sauteed.  a small square of corn bread to accompany.  sugar free vanilla pudding for dessert.  still moving it along.

lawd...

y'know, whenever i refer to this page on my Journey, i call it the dining table, rather than dining room, and i'm truly beginning to question the level of my current senility.  it's not that i've been doing this for so long, but it is that it's right in front of my face constantly, so i only have to reference it and look to see what it's called.  oh well, i digress.

Breakfast today: 
steak strips, two fried eggs and 12 grain toast

Lunch:
6 hot garlic wings and a cup of wedding soup

Dinner (pictured): two hamburger patties, smothered in a sautee of peppers, onions, garlic, mushrooms, spinach and cherry tomatoes, with a slice of 12 grain bread.

not bad.  i'm feeling less lethargic, though it's hard to tell on this work schedule. 

thank you for feeding me, Father.  good night.

time is NOT on my side (yes it is...)

again, i am sorry, it is hard to keep up with the current life changes, i also haven't written on my book in the past 2 days, nor have i danced in more like three, if i'm not mistaken.  however, the food must be logged, so...

1/9 - breakfast: 2 scrambled eggs on 12 grain toast. no cheese, no jam
        lunch: 1 piece fish, 1 chicken plank, coleslaw, 2 hush puppies (LJS, on the fly)
       dinner: steak, baked potato and salad with spinach and spring mix greens, onions, tomato, green peppers and a boiled egg, italian dressing. 

I was so tired from poor sleep on the 9th i only ate half my dinner, covered it and put it in the fridge.

1/10 - breakfast:  nothing
          brunch: two eggs w cheddar cheese, two sausage links, 1 and 1/2 pieces rye toast (Scenna's)
         lunch: see brunch.
        dinner: see yesterday's dinner.
       chocolate sugar free pudding for dessert.

working on acclimating

well, hell...

I keep calling this the wrong thing on the Journey, but at least i know what i'm talking about, right? 

breakfast today: 
2 fried eggs
1 piece 12 grain toast w blackberry jam

lunch:
chicken parmesan & pasta w cali blend veggies (leftover from dinner)

dinner:
Beef Stew (beef, carrots, potatoes, onion, green beans, corn) & 2 buttermilk biscuits.

snacked on pork rinds today.  no dessert.  two bananas as in between fruits. 

Apologies

yesterday was a bad physical day.  Cycling through my pain again, the usual back pain/gout flare up.  but i'm going to log from yesterday to today and keep on top of it from here on out.  one day at a time.

for breakfast yesterday, 1/6/18, I had a less Elegant Mess, with two eggs, onions, peppers, mushroom and a hit of cheddar cheese, with a piece of 12 grain toast with blackberry jam.

i had no lunch, was on the go in the afternoon, but skipping meals is a way of sabotaging the food plan.  the body has to be able to count on meals at certain times.

dinner was an overindulgence, admittedly.  i had two pork chops, leftover cabbage and two very small baked potatoes, averaging out to one medium potato.  i had vanilla sugar free pudding for dessert.

today, in more pain in my foot, i woke to nothing at breakfast time (more sabotage) and when i did eat something, it was almost 11am and i had corn flakes with milk.

added a picture, my dinner was half a chicken breast fixed in a Parmesan fashion and pasta with california blend veggies.  no dessert.  i'm shutting down now, tomorrow begins a new experience. 

5 Pounds Down (yay)

...let's not make a mistake here.  the issue is not about losing weight, though that is one of the peripheral goals.  when i went to Dr. Steyn's office and clocked in at 381, i knew it was time for some changes.  because i had been eating as if i didn't have diabetes, as if i wasn't a compulsive overeater, a bulimic, a man who has struggled with his eating disorder for decades.  i was eating like someone who hadn't lost a ton of weight, who knew how to eat responsibly.  i was eating as a man who was depressed, lonely, afraid of a future with no love in his life, not really sure that life was worth living, missing his woman, missing his child(ren), missing active, engaged friendship.  that's who i've been for half a year, since Syd's graduation. 

talking about it has helped...some.  depending on who i've talked to.  but talk is not the action that change requires.  DOING something CHANGES something. 

for breakfast today, i had two fried eggs and a slice of 12 grain toast with peach jam.  for lunch, i had the rest of the meat loaf from dinner, collard greens and a square of corn bread.  for dinner, i had garlic Parmesan wings and a salad comprised of spring greens including spinach, apple, cherry tomatoes, mushrooms, a boiled egg and Parmesan cheese, with a roasted red pepper dressing.  again, i've not logged the caloric or carbohydrate content, because i've eaten and jumped back under the comforter.  i will get better with that.  there we go. 

Good for your heart

Today i started out logging calories and carbohydrates, but i didn't get them logged for the mid day and evening, so i'm going to list my meals and then i'll come back tomorrow and log the rest of it. 

for breakfast:
two egg omelet with diced ham, onion, mushroom, tomato and cheddar cheese & 12 grain toast with sugar-free blackberry jam

for lunch:
Pinto beans (not those pictured) and corn bread (ditto)

For dinner: meat loaf, medium baked sweet potato, smothered cabbage with onions and peppers.

for dessert:  sugar-free chocolate pudding

I Suck Today

Early breakfast today. Two slices of bacon (70 calories), two eggs (140 calories), toast with sugar-free Jam (130 calories, 15 carbs).

Cheap eats suck. Honesty sucks. 2 10pc chicken nuggets for lunch. 940 calories. And the rest of my hot and sour soup from yesterday.  I'm done for the day. Not that i'm over, but talking about discipline and then eating 20 nuggets... I got issues.

Step One (the need to plan a plan)

2 large eggs - 108 cal, 1 carb
cherry tomatoes - 15 cal, 3 carb
mushrooms - 15 cal, 3 carb
spinach - 5 cal, 1 carb

breakfast today, an omelet with 2 eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms and spinach, 143 calories, 8 carbohydrates total.  good start.

Lunch/Dinner - hot and sour soup (10 carbs), 91 calories, two spring rolls (15 carbs), 115 calories, 4 wings, 720 calories (9 carbs).  total calories in the afternoon so far - 926 calories.  total carbs - 34.

one banana after lunch/dinner - 105 calories, 27 carbs.  carbs are my enemy...

total for the day:
calories: 1174
carbs: 69

now, the problem here is not having a plan for the day.  and, though that may seem anal, without a real plan, these things are what i leave myself open for.  i am powerless over my need to eat, and i am powerless over the effect that carbohydrates have over me, and they do and have made my life unmanageable by me.  so i have to come to some acceptance of that.

but i still have to give myself props.  under the 75 carbs that i set for myself, under the 2000 calories, and i have more dancing to do.  moving in the right direction.

a Beginning

this is where we're going to improve the process of self-discipline.  actually, the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells me, "...we alcoholics are undisciplined, so we let God discipline us in the manner outlined."  you'd have to find a big book and find that entry to know the context, but it's useful here.

this is parallel to The Journey.  where i'm going now, i have to work on the physical as well as the mental and emotional.  i want to be a new Timothy this day, and i have to put some serious work into it for that to happen.  and disclosure in an honest fashion is a big part of that.

SO.  let's stop marinating and masturbating this shit.

Breakfast today:  An Intricate Mess and a piece of 12 grain toast with sugar-free strawberry jam.
total calories, 832. total carbs, 28.

eventually my goal is going to be met, which is 2000 calories a day, with an allotment of 75 carbs.  I don't know if i'm going to hit it today, but i bet my ass i'm going to get closer than a trip to Burger King and having cake and ice cream for dessert would get me.  but one day at a time.  i'll update again after dinner so by the end of the day, there will be an entire picture of my eating today.

i'm not counting coffee in this.  coffee has no calories or carbs, is a free food, i drink it with artificial sweetener.  there are likely carbs in the powdered creamer i use, but i ain't giving it up.

for lunch, because after an early breakfast i did get hungry, i had my last 2 pieces of baked chicken from yesterday and a half an apple.  195 calories for the chicken (drum and wing), 48 calories for the apple, with 12 carbs.

for dinner, i had pinto beans, collard greens and corn bread.  170 calories for the beans, with 32 carbs.  56 calories in the greens, with 6.4 carbs, and the killer, if i were obsessing, would be the Jiffy cornbread, 170 calories, 27 carbs. 

but here's what's kind of groovy...total caloric intake for the day...roughly 1471, below the 2000 i had set for myself.  carbs, though...106 for the day, so far.  above the 75 i had set for myself.  but i'm not bummed.  as i said earlier, i'm not going to be anal about this.  i have goals, goals take work.  i'm thinking about it like this:  a Whopper has 630 calories without cheese, and 57 carbs.  that's ONE SANDWICH.  that approaches half of my intake for the entire day of three meals.  so, is it a good start?  it's better than a bag with 2 Whoppers, a fry and a drink (diet, of course...)  thank you, Father, for feeding me today.