a moment, as there is something i want to say.
this isn't really my 'speaking' place. that would be The Journey, where i try to keep track of my mental, emotional and spiritual placing in any given point in history. my history anyway. but this has to do with the reason The Dining Room exists for me now.
i found and used this picture because it represents something to me. in it are many of the things that i enjoy eating. the way to say that in regular vernacular would be 'the things i normally enjoy eating'. but for someone like me, this is not 'normal', it is simply familiar. 'Normal' would be a foreign word in my life were it not for the practice of the 12 steps on my addiction to drugs and alcoholism for 29 years. but food has always been my drug of choice. my FIRST drug of choice, i should say.
so, since the 29th or 30th, i've been eating much more responsibly. i have brought my blood sugar down about 10 points, and that's not bad. i stick to the 3 meals a day, sometimes i'll have a snack, but more often than not i don't. i don't have adequate snack stuff for one, and for another, my -ism with food is bulemia, and i'm a grazer, which means i'll just sort of put things in my face unconsciously all day. that's not disciplined at all. so i may make myself some sugar-free dessert pudding, but i rarely snack. eventually i'll bring that to bear as well.
i know many people say 'give yourself a 'free' day, where you can have stuff you really want'. it sounds good in principle, but imagine giving a heroin addict, or an alcoholic a 'free day' with their drug of choice. one more binge later, and hindsight should point out the foolishness of that line of thinking. but with the food addict (of which i am), because the likelihood of destroying the house, car, kids, job, marriage and sanity due to a day of burgers and shakes is not likely, it seems far more reasonable. the Big Book of AA tells us that we're "...undisciplined, so we let God discipline us...". and that is what this is all about. learning to allow discipline to be my goal, and trying hard to stay out of God's way.
so, i thought about a 'free day'. thought about all the things i'd love to put into my face. and you know what? there's not enough food. there's not enough DAY in free day for me to achieve that. there would only be one more ride on the merry go round. and i don't feel like taking a chance that i might be wrong, because i'm probably right.
all that to say, i indulged in something today. and it marks a change for me. something is different in me right now, and i had to say that so that i could make you aware of what's going on with me.
breakfast today: 2 eggs, a sausage patty and 12 grain toast w strawberry sugar-free jam
lunch: open faced burger on 1 piece of toast, with diced tomatoes and cheese, and a cup of soup
dinner: turkey, dressing w cranberry sauce, broccoli and cheese.
right! dressing, cranberry sauce and toast under my burger. all items that made their way onto my 'free day', so to speak. no chocolate, no fast food, no chips, no pizza...just some things at my meal that i will leave alone again starting tomorrow. that's new. that's something different in the equation from before. at least the before's of the past 10 years.
and that's good enough for me. thank you, Jehovah.
okay, enough jawing. i'm gone.
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