i know. but i don't mean them as the same thing, and i can only be so specific now, because this is where the point of this being MY inventory, MY journal, MY tenth step and my Journey comes into play most strongly. i have to insist.
i am troubled by what i may have to take as an action toward someone who is nearing the end of their own journey. the action will not be pleasant, it won't be understood, i'm almost positive. but it may have to happen, because my personal space is being polluted by flotsam and jetsam from the past, and i don't choose to entertain that from anyone, regardless of circumstances.
i have a past. if you haven't figured that out by now, you've wasted your time reading here. everyone has one. my past is interesting to me because it's mine. it is also boring to me because it's mine and because the grass on your side of the fence always looks better kept and more exotic than mine. that's human nature, i believe.
having a past, i've done things that i'm not proud of, but i own them. and when i know that what i've done is wrong, i attempt to amend that wrong, to repair the damage, to own my actions and attempt to clear away any wreckage or debris those actions have created. sometimes i'm successful, others not so much. and i'd have to say i've been mostly successful, but i've had my amends rejected before. this is one such case.
again, no specifics here, but i will post an 'example' that i can be specific about. once, i had to track down a former SO to make an amend, because i knew from a 4th step i'd completed that i had to own my wrongs toward her. it took some time, but i did track her down on FB. i contacted her, friended her there, and told her that i needed to make an amend for the wrongs i'd done her. i acknowledged them, apologized and said i'd make things right however i could. i've found, over the years, that ownership is the biggest part of the 9th and 10th steps, and that if there is no money owed, changed behavior accommodating the apology usually suffices. it did not in the case that i began this entry with, but in the one i'm speaking of now, it seemed to. but then came the downside.
with the renewed contact, there came questions about someone i had been messing around with at that time as well. questions about seeing them, about how things had been, and so on. and i had to tell the person in question that i wasn't here for all that. all i'd wanted to do was to own my part of the past and try to make restitution if possible. if it wasn't then it wasn't. and i went on about my way, and eventually we stopped talking again. because i wasn't trying to establish something else with her, with the coin for that transaction being you get to dredge up all kinds of bullshit from our life to assault me with it. not gonna happen. and since i don't want to re-establish a relationship with you, what would make you think that i'm about to break down and do a confession? i'm going to own my part, and i'm going to try to make that right. and if you can't get with that, then i'm going to leave it alone, because the 9th steps states, 'made direct amends wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others'. and making an amend that turns into some uncomfortable confrontation about my personal life makes me uncomfortable.
some of the other situation's elements are the same, and i shall talk about it in counseling on Friday, but i had to sort through some of it so i can pray on it the right way. i'm tired, and i wanted to get that down. it was a good day, good work, still not paid, went to 2 meetings today, and have eaten and am on my way to bed soon enough.
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